Crepuscular rays

During my morning walk I was contemplating any things.  How hard the fight is, how grateful I am for all my blessings, how I am going to pull off a wedding in just over 3 weeks, how I am going to get the rest of the money for said wedding, Jordan's graduation, and a wedding of a sweet friend tomorrow in the Salt Lake LDS temple.  My heart was a bit more full than usual, and the morning was glorious enough that I had a good processing session going on in my heart.  

Then this. I turned a corner, and saw a breath taking sight.  The sun rays, seeping through the clouds, lighting the land ahead.  Every time I see a sunbeam, it takes me back to a time several years ago.  I still call them crepuscular rays.  I think I always will.  It filled my heart with peace and comfort again.

read it, you will understand.

http://dgswanerfam.blogspot.com/2009/04/lessons-just-for-me.html

Can we talk about Running?

Confession: I love to run!
Once upon a time, in a life, long long ago, I used to run.  I love running! I loved how it made me feel, well, not during the actual running, but the endorphin kick an hour or two after the run.  In fact, the very first time I ran, my friend, Susan Wright, talked me into staying after school to run track with her.  This was not a hard thing to convince me to do since a very cute boy, whom I liked bunches, stayed to do field events also.

That first day, we ran a total of 10 miles between warm ups and all the splits we ran.  I was young, only 14, which made it possible to survive this craziness.  After they dropped me at my house, they told me they would be back in a few hours to go to a dance at the school.  I told them to just go without me, because I was probably going to bed.  To die.  Susan and cute boy knowingly told me, that I would be fine, and they would be there at 9 pm.

I tried to die. I did. But then those lovely endorphins hit.  I was hooked!  I could not believe how fantastic I felt!  Beyond fantastic!  I bounced around that dance like a crazy baby bunny, and continued to run many times a week until I had my oldest 6 years later.  

I ran when I was happy, I ran when I was angry, I ran when I was bored.  I wanted to run forever.  

Over the years I have missed this time.  I have tried to do it, over the past, but my weight was too taxing on this idea.  I hurt like crazy, and it was pointless to try.  It really was.  I could never walk the next day, and that was when I tried running 100 yards at a time, walk, then try again.  

Now I can, I am running further and further each time I run.  It feels wonderful, and I could get addicted to that, in a big hurry, but I am afraid.  I feel justified in that fear as well. Knees.  My knees.  Can you imagine the trauma I have put them through????  

They always used to hurt, and every step I took, there was a clicking sound.  Loud and audible like the click of this keyboard I type on.  Now, I do not have those problems, but the damage has all been done.  

My solution is to only run twice a week.  I walk miles and miles every day, but I would like to not kill my recovering knees.  

But those two times.  Oh the joy I feel!  It feels like youth!  It feels like freedom.  It feels like a heaven on Earth.  I love it so much, I wish I could share the elation in my heart as I run! How many years I have longed to have that liberating feeling that running brings me!  I swear its elation is too much!  But its finally mine, again.

I am slow. Really slow.  But I don't care.  I am not 14 years old anymore.  (nor would I ever want to be.) 

Oh- did I mention that a very very cute boy likes to run with me?

He is super hot.

I still have all the problems and all the things

My weight loss surgery was just a tool.  It wasn't like a little flathead screw driver, it was more like a  power drill

 but it was a tool none the less.  I still fight my addiction.  Every day, in fact, it seems like the old beasts are even more mean and ferocious, not that I haven't lost 165 pounds and feel so much better or anything.  I have not weighed this little since the year 2000, and at that, I had just lost 85 lbs and only kept it off for about 8 months.  before that, I was pregnant with my first, so...1995.  I look in the mirror, and after the initial shock, which really is,
  EVERY SINGLE TIME, 
I think, I am doing great, I can eat this cruddy food or that, its just a bite after all.

Yeah- that happens, all the time.

I am not fixed.  I probably never will be.  I have my power drill, but I still have to use my food diary, like everyone else.  I have to work out.  Like everyone else. I do NOT have a problem with that one, I love working out, but I think I need to bump it up even more. 

I have to tell myself this stuff everyday!  I wish I would have been "fixed," but I guess that my flaws give me power.  Give me hope, and keeps my feet on the ground.  I can't be perfect after all.
(I am a funny girl, aren't I?!) 

But holy cow!  I Feel amazing! So amazing! Did you know that people are not in pain 24 hours a day? I didn't know this!  I had no idea.  I have kept the Advil company on business for the last 10-15 years! I look 800 mg every 8 hours for that many years!  I was always hurting!  But, yeah, I never hurt! I do admit that my knees ache for an hour or so after my run 2 days a week. (remind me about that running, I will need to tell you about that!) But generally, that is the only pain I have now.  I rarely have headaches, never any heart burn, and my feet??!!!  I guess people who stand most the day, can function! Because I sure can! They never hurt!  I bet Advil has taken the hit, and can feel my loss!

Ha ha! I am good with that!  Miss me all you want! 

It makes me dealing with my addiction and my mourning of soda, candy, and sweets, ok.  it also makes my hair loss and my brittle nails bearable too. (but I see hints of their recovery also.)

I am still broken, but I am working on that everyday too.

 This is what 5 pounds of fat looks like.  I had 33 more of these on my body than I do now.  That freaks me out.  like a lot.

Ghosts of Ice Cream Past

Confession: I cried the other day because I wanted ice cream so badly.

I really did.  I cried.  It wasn't a grocery store tantrum of a 3 year old when mommy sas - Not this time sweetie, when asked if we could buy ice cream.  It wasn't like that at all! I have my very favorite kind of ice cream in my ice cream in the freezer right now. It, and other kinds have been in the freezer for some time.  I have no problem with it.  My family is very supportive and generally eat what I make for dinner with no complaints, but they did not sign up for this lifestyle, so I buy icecream for the weekends, or make biscuits and gravy from time to time.   I love them and they deserve it! 

But the other night, I spiralled down, into the depths of my addiction and woke up craving that stupid ice cream. Delicious Farr's Mint Chocolate Chip.  I lay in bed and thought of that evil evil minty goodness, and the more I thought of it, the more it became an obsession.  After 2 HOURS of this, I still had not gone to the kitchen, because I CAN DO HARD THINGS! I even yelled at myself! Gabrielle STOP! but the problem is, you see, is I waited too long to tell myself to stop. I was already in such a state.  Then, cue the tears.  I cried.  I dont know if it was because I was not eating the ice cream, or if was because I was in a head space that was so hard, but cry I did. What made all this craziness end?  Prayer. A plea for heavenly help.

The ice cream is still in the freezer, not being eaten by me.  And it is ok.  I do not want it anymore.  This is just a battle I  will have to fight. I will need help, clearly.  But I can do this.

I also have finally started walking again! 2.5 miles a day.  It is much harder than it was before... being in bed, practically dying for 4 months can do that for you...but I am loving it!

And I wore my husbands workout shirt to walk in, and it was not even tight!

Flippity Floppity

Confession: My skin is getting more and more floppy all the time.

At this point, I don't care!  I keep hearing how I am going to hate all my excess skin when this is over.  Ya know, I probably will!  Why? You would think that fat would be a lot worse to look at than excess skin right? The lumps and the bumps, and all the floral curtains they make for obese women to wear.  So excess skin? What's the big deal? 

I will hate it because we are awful to ourselves.  We are so critical. Cruel in fact.  We can  be happy and encouraging to everyone around us, but when it comes to our own selves,  We are hideous monsters!  So will I hate the way I look? Maybe. Probably. Yes. But I am vowing right now, to work hard. Work hard on loving myself. For the first time in a long time.  I will fight that mean me, and love and be proud of all that I am accomplishing.  I will love myself!  That self doubt will come.  The self criticism and loathing, but I need to remember, and you should REMIND me, 

Gabrielle! Stop! You are awesome!

And besides, I have seen what that excess removal surgery looks like...I have already had a jp drain in me for 4 months of my life. I am not about to let someone put another one in me! No thank you!

I am in my addiction when...

Confession: I found one way I lose control.  I am sure I will find other ways, but, for now, I can start work on the one.

I am in my addiction when I look, talk, or smell my trigger foods.  I made light of the delicious cheese article on my last post, but after looking at that link, I was so intrenched in my addiction, I could only think, crave, and salivate over things I am not supposed to eat for over an hour.  I could think of nothing else! It took everything in my power to get through that hour, without "falling off the wagon."  I had to get out of the house. Away from food, and honestly, I had no where to go.  I had no access to a car, and my only alternative was to leave on foot.  It was 19 degrees outside, and I have a barely coat, since I have given last years coat to a thrift store since it was so large.  I started walking, and to my great relief, a dear friend from across the country, called to help me talk through my demons.  

While I was able to get through this bout of craving for the drug I am desperately trying to avoid, I was feeling hopeless and powerless, and fearful of the future.  For the next temptation.  At least if my addiction was to heroin, it would not fill my cupboards and be spattered all over the internet.  But my addiction is food. and it is EVERYWHERE! 

Then, last night, an answer to my prayers.  I went to group.  A support group for people who have had weight loss surgery.  This group are all in the same stage I am.  Still losing and not to goal weight.  It was so wonderful to relate to people.  To have such understanding. I shared my experience of the cheese story online.  How I sat and fed my eyeballs with the gooey cheesiness and how is weirded out my brain for am hour afterwards.  Then I was taught a tool.  A line of defense. TO avoid this trap.  The trap I walked right into, where I literally FED my addiction.  I must avoid things that TRIGGER my cravings, that trigger my addiction.

We talked about neuro pathways. How in less that 4 seconds we can turn a pathway on, and get wrapped up in those self destructive feelings.  WE also talked about ways to try to stop.

Gabrielle! Stop! You deserve more!

That is my new mantra. My new goal. What I will try so hard to do, when faced with my monsters. My demons.  Gabrielle! Stop! You deserve more!

The hater, is NOT going to be me.
Because, I do.

Oh brother. I am broken.

Confession: I have a problem with food.

Today's evidence? I just spent the last 15 minutes going through the following website. 
http://www.cheeserank.com/medialist/american-cheese-recipes-usa-usa-usa?utm_campaign=50American_Desktop_DVN3I&utm_term=50American_Desktop_DVN3I_LQTML&utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=paid

Its ridiculous.  I can't eat that stuff!

Pinterest? Yah. I look at a lot of food.

Those stupid Tasty Videos on Facebook? I watch every stupid one.

I have tracked all my calories today.  Now I am planning what I can eat next.

I hate my relationship with food!  Why is it soooooo consuming.  I want to break up with it!  Right now! Today! Forever!

But then a triple creme Brie will call to me. Eat me! Eat me now.

Sometimes I need to go hide away.  

Far far away.

On a deserted tropical island.  With no food.

Except for 2 or 3 different kind of vegetables.

and bacon.

Forever.