Ghosts of Ice Cream Past

Confession: I cried the other day because I wanted ice cream so badly.

I really did.  I cried.  It wasn't a grocery store tantrum of a 3 year old when mommy sas - Not this time sweetie, when asked if we could buy ice cream.  It wasn't like that at all! I have my very favorite kind of ice cream in my ice cream in the freezer right now. It, and other kinds have been in the freezer for some time.  I have no problem with it.  My family is very supportive and generally eat what I make for dinner with no complaints, but they did not sign up for this lifestyle, so I buy icecream for the weekends, or make biscuits and gravy from time to time.   I love them and they deserve it! 

But the other night, I spiralled down, into the depths of my addiction and woke up craving that stupid ice cream. Delicious Farr's Mint Chocolate Chip.  I lay in bed and thought of that evil evil minty goodness, and the more I thought of it, the more it became an obsession.  After 2 HOURS of this, I still had not gone to the kitchen, because I CAN DO HARD THINGS! I even yelled at myself! Gabrielle STOP! but the problem is, you see, is I waited too long to tell myself to stop. I was already in such a state.  Then, cue the tears.  I cried.  I dont know if it was because I was not eating the ice cream, or if was because I was in a head space that was so hard, but cry I did. What made all this craziness end?  Prayer. A plea for heavenly help.

The ice cream is still in the freezer, not being eaten by me.  And it is ok.  I do not want it anymore.  This is just a battle I  will have to fight. I will need help, clearly.  But I can do this.

I also have finally started walking again! 2.5 miles a day.  It is much harder than it was before... being in bed, practically dying for 4 months can do that for you...but I am loving it!

And I wore my husbands workout shirt to walk in, and it was not even tight!

Flippity Floppity

Confession: My skin is getting more and more floppy all the time.

At this point, I don't care!  I keep hearing how I am going to hate all my excess skin when this is over.  Ya know, I probably will!  Why? You would think that fat would be a lot worse to look at than excess skin right? The lumps and the bumps, and all the floral curtains they make for obese women to wear.  So excess skin? What's the big deal? 

I will hate it because we are awful to ourselves.  We are so critical. Cruel in fact.  We can  be happy and encouraging to everyone around us, but when it comes to our own selves,  We are hideous monsters!  So will I hate the way I look? Maybe. Probably. Yes. But I am vowing right now, to work hard. Work hard on loving myself. For the first time in a long time.  I will fight that mean me, and love and be proud of all that I am accomplishing.  I will love myself!  That self doubt will come.  The self criticism and loathing, but I need to remember, and you should REMIND me, 

Gabrielle! Stop! You are awesome!

And besides, I have seen what that excess removal surgery looks like...I have already had a jp drain in me for 4 months of my life. I am not about to let someone put another one in me! No thank you!

I am in my addiction when...

Confession: I found one way I lose control.  I am sure I will find other ways, but, for now, I can start work on the one.

I am in my addiction when I look, talk, or smell my trigger foods.  I made light of the delicious cheese article on my last post, but after looking at that link, I was so intrenched in my addiction, I could only think, crave, and salivate over things I am not supposed to eat for over an hour.  I could think of nothing else! It took everything in my power to get through that hour, without "falling off the wagon."  I had to get out of the house. Away from food, and honestly, I had no where to go.  I had no access to a car, and my only alternative was to leave on foot.  It was 19 degrees outside, and I have a barely coat, since I have given last years coat to a thrift store since it was so large.  I started walking, and to my great relief, a dear friend from across the country, called to help me talk through my demons.  

While I was able to get through this bout of craving for the drug I am desperately trying to avoid, I was feeling hopeless and powerless, and fearful of the future.  For the next temptation.  At least if my addiction was to heroin, it would not fill my cupboards and be spattered all over the internet.  But my addiction is food. and it is EVERYWHERE! 

Then, last night, an answer to my prayers.  I went to group.  A support group for people who have had weight loss surgery.  This group are all in the same stage I am.  Still losing and not to goal weight.  It was so wonderful to relate to people.  To have such understanding. I shared my experience of the cheese story online.  How I sat and fed my eyeballs with the gooey cheesiness and how is weirded out my brain for am hour afterwards.  Then I was taught a tool.  A line of defense. TO avoid this trap.  The trap I walked right into, where I literally FED my addiction.  I must avoid things that TRIGGER my cravings, that trigger my addiction.

We talked about neuro pathways. How in less that 4 seconds we can turn a pathway on, and get wrapped up in those self destructive feelings.  WE also talked about ways to try to stop.

Gabrielle! Stop! You deserve more!

That is my new mantra. My new goal. What I will try so hard to do, when faced with my monsters. My demons.  Gabrielle! Stop! You deserve more!

The hater, is NOT going to be me.
Because, I do.

Oh brother. I am broken.

Confession: I have a problem with food.

Today's evidence? I just spent the last 15 minutes going through the following website. 
http://www.cheeserank.com/medialist/american-cheese-recipes-usa-usa-usa?utm_campaign=50American_Desktop_DVN3I&utm_term=50American_Desktop_DVN3I_LQTML&utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=paid

Its ridiculous.  I can't eat that stuff!

Pinterest? Yah. I look at a lot of food.

Those stupid Tasty Videos on Facebook? I watch every stupid one.

I have tracked all my calories today.  Now I am planning what I can eat next.

I hate my relationship with food!  Why is it soooooo consuming.  I want to break up with it!  Right now! Today! Forever!

But then a triple creme Brie will call to me. Eat me! Eat me now.

Sometimes I need to go hide away.  

Far far away.

On a deserted tropical island.  With no food.

Except for 2 or 3 different kind of vegetables.

and bacon.

Forever.

Hair. Frost. Shoes.

Confession: I am surprised almost daily with new problems due to rapid weight loss.


Rapid weight loss is super fun. Well, actually, its not really fun at all.  Its a head game, like I have mentioned before, you have so many self esteem issues, SO MANY, and to help in that department, you also have hair loss! You would not believe the way I shed!  Its nothing, and I mean ABSOLUTELY nothing like the hair loss you experience after you have a baby!  In fact, if I was not blessed with a huge amount of hair, you would be able to see my scalp through my hair at this point.  Many people that I have found in on-line support groups have basically chopped off their hair, because its so terribly thin.  again, I am blessed to have my mother's hair, and lots of it, so now my ponytail is about a nickle around instead of lemon sized.  

I am not really complaining.  I am just stating this as a fact.  I do hate all the shedding.  I have hair everywhere, and new baby hair sticking up all over the place.  The thing I do complain about, and I mean A LOT, is how cold and freezing I am ALL OF THE TIME!  I swear I violently shake half my day long!  I was never a cold girl before!  I could survive all winter, without a coat, in the tundra of Northern Utah, kept warm by own brand of insulation.  But now, every pound that comes off of me, leaves me colder than the pound before!  I get in bed at night, under 4-5 blankets.  No LIE! My poor husband...I spent years training him to enjoy sleeping in a nice cool room.  Now his wife wants the heat on.  All the time, and as high as anyone can stand it.  When we drive, he is always turning the heat down until I am shivering again, and then takes one for the team while I warm back up and he swelters!

Another strange thing about Rapid weight loss are my shoes.   My feet did not grow as I became fat.  They became wider.  So in order to accommodate the foot, I would either buy wide width shoes, or the next size up.  (you know this to be true...right?)  Yesterday as I was getting ready for church, I put on 3 different pairs of shoes.  and as I tried to walk in them, walked right out of them.  So yes. I need to also buy new shoes.  That is not at all inconvenient.  

But these obnoxious things do not bother me too much.  Because each day I am reminded why I did this.  I feel so much better.  I can do so many more things.  My 4  year old loves to play with me.  When I pray for guidance, the Lord hears and answers my prayers.  He also touches my heart, with a warm feeling of acknowledgment, when I thank my Father in Heaven for the love and support and the courage to fight my food battles each day.  My life is sweet, and I am grateful that I am still living it. 

my unexpected struggle

Confession: I am surprised by the support from friends and family during this trial and journey, and also the lack of support from the people you are closest to.

This rapid weight loss thing is a head game. Many warned me of this.  I felt ready, and mostly I was, but the things that are hard are surprising me so much! In fact, much tears have been shed.  My immediate family is beyond supportive and excited.  My kids can already see my life changing.  I don't need my feet rubbed every night, I do not need assistance tying my tennis shoes, climbing on a chair to get something out of the cupboard, climbing over the back seat to reach something, the list can go on and on and on.   My acquaintances are some of my biggest cheer leaders!  This surprises me because they really didn't know my day to day trials.  They really didn't see how ill, how hard, and how MUCH my weight effected me.  Yet there they are, cheering me on. Hoping and watching for my success.  Noticing my hard work.  This truly melts my heart! but some of the people who I am closest to, not all of them mind you, do not seem happy with my progress. Maybe that is too harsh...they act as though I am cheating my way through it. Like its easy because I am just "starving to death" or have an "anatomy that will not absorb fat anyway" or I will just "lose weight with out even trying." This shocked me, hurt me, and has caused a bucket of tears.

I said it.  I have cried. Cried my eyes out.  I feel so lonely and afraid sometimes.  I work so hard to make sure I get enough calories every day. To make sure I have the nutrition I need to not end up in the hospital- AGAIN.  I can't just eat the beloved brownie, the brownie of my dreams, the brownie i eye lustfully, and covetously, because if I eat that, at the end of the day, my muscle mass will have depleted some, my potassium will get too low, and I probably would have just craved more and more sugar until I didn't have enough hydration for that day.  Where will that get me? Oh! I know! A trip to the ER!  I have had 5 of those! I know the drill!  I work this- every day! I need my people! and to not have them, here, cheering for me, breaks my little heart. broken. sad. 

I struggle each day with my appearance.  I look in the mirror an barely recognize myself.  It weirds me out! should it?  I have no idea! Its just what it is.  The last thing I need is to feed abandoned or betrayed by the people I love.  Do they even realize that I feel this? Did they mean to make me feel this way? Is this a jealousy thing? sure! I am always jealous of the thin and the perfect! But I am working so hard for each day. Each day I make 30 food choices!  I just have a great big fat hammer in my tool box now! (its nice to have around, that fat hammer!) But I am building a me right now, and I have to take every step myself! I am just shocked, sad, and hurt.

I guess I shouldn't be such a cry baby.  I always say that I need to consider some one's INTENT before feeling bad.  I know people do not generally intend of hurting people's feelining, but hey, I swear my feelings are way way way to close to the surface these days.  Maybe I should shove them back down. A little. 

Thankfully I know that prayers are answered.  Everyday.  I know that I was lead to this life changing decisions through many hours of prayer and personal revelation.  I know that my Savior had borne all my tribulations, and is still there for me, cheering me on.  Without Him, I would for sure be lost. In all ways.

Sorry. Not Sorry. Should I be sorry?

Confession: I hold back my excitement most of the time because I feel like I am bragging about my weight loss and everything that goes with it.  

I of course, tell my beloved hubs everything. He is excited with each and every thing I get excited over.  I can not imagine a more supportive partner.  

But others? I feel like I am bragging!  Hey, I lost almost 3 pounds last night! Can you believe it? I am wearing a size 16!  My glasses are so big they are falling off my face!  My jaw is so darling!  Can you see it???

Sounds pretty braggy huh? Feels like I am only consumed with myself.  Makes me sound like I think everyone should be doing as well as me.  That is not my intent at all! I am just so elated for me!  I know that my choices led me to this state of my health and body, and I also know I have to fight my intense food addiction every moment of every day.

Yesterday, I heated up some spaghetti pie for Juliet. I had made it the night before, and them made my steak and brussel sprouts.  No temptations, I was all over that brussel sprout.  But after hers was heated up, it smelled so good, and I did it.  I shoved my fork in, and took a bite. Its only spaghetti! Everyone eats spaghetti!  It does not make the masses obese.  Then another, then another. My brain finally gained control, and I flung my fork into the sink.  I was so angry and disappointed in myself! I can't eat spaghetti! It will slow or stop my weight loss, and I have been too sick for too long to let myself back track already.  

Recently I sat at the computer to order somethings we need for the house.  There was a box of Dave's cherry cordials.  I don't even like those things.  But obese woman me, addicted to sugar me, picked one up and popped it into my mouth.   I didn't even think a thing of it.  Like its the most natural thing in the world.  I don't think that its ever going to change.  I am going to have to fight this, for the rest of my life! 

When I am excited about my achievements, I want to share!  I want you to know that its HARD to lose every pound.  It is HARD to not over eat! It is HARD to not eat delicious pasta, and bread, and divine divine sugar! HARD. Its almost more than I can handle sometimes.  I want to curl up in a ball and cry.  But I can do HARD things. Every day. I want to share! I am going to. If I drive you bonkers, that is not my intent. My intent is to be happy.  To be proud. To be healthy. To be brave. To keep trying.

Confession #2: Look at this!  

 This is me, as sick and as obese this girl could be. I was happy, but not even slightly healthy.

 Yesterday. Can you believe that?  I was freezing as usual.  I will talk about that tomorrow.

 A lap! A lap!  I have a lap! Its still not great! but I have a lap!!!! I am pumped up!

Can you see me crossing my legs?!  I can! I have not done this since I was pregnant with Kira- year 2000!  This is a HUGE victory for me! I am so very happy about this! if you can't tell...

Foodie with a tiny tummy

Confession:
I am a total foodie.

I know that my food addiction will never be over.  I love food.  I really do.  I don't love all food however!  I am a snob.  I only like home made or well done food.  I can't handle eating that garbage out of a box, filled with every bit of msg the producer can shove in it.  I won't buy those nasty cream of whatever soups, I can make a rue that tastes better anyway.  I certainly did not become obese because I can't cook.  I can.  I can make something great out of practically nothing, and I swear, I barely use recipes.

This was a huge concern for me when contemplating Weight Loss Surgery.  I don't want to be left not having the foods I enjoy!  I still love food.  I still want to eat food that tastes delicious, but now I need to make sure I can eat a tiny amount and avoid all the fat producing carbs.  This had to happen.  I also have another dilemma.  My family will not eat leftovers.  I, for years, can make a roasted chicken for dinner one night, then male 3-4 different meals with the leftovers, all the while my family not knowing that it was the same roasted chicken.  But how do I do that now, with my bariatric foodie mentality, and not use all the delicious carbs of the world? If I come up with something amazing...you will be the first to know.

This is something I will try to conquer. because I am still the same girl, right? I am still the obese woman.

Ready to talk

Finally.  I am ready to talk.  I thought that I would be talking and taking you on this journey with me.  I am open and I wanted this to be able to help another who is considering this kind of lifestyle change.  What I did not foresee was the depths of despair and frustration my journey has taken me to.  Never in my life have I felt so low, so lonely, and my ability to pull myself out, was not there.  I felt lower than flat.  I was below the surface, like a drowning, I could see those above the water, reaching out to me to grab their hands, but I couldn't raise my arm to meet them, everything getting more and more blurry as I sank to the bottom.  I tried to drown once, when we lived in Louisiana. I remember it vividly.  This felt very very similar to that.  The thing that is exactly the same, is the prayer and faith I had that I would not actually drown.  I didn't.  I am here.

I had every complication known to man, I swear.  Starting with 48 hours after my weight loss surgery, having to go back in for a revision.  Then in September, ending up in the ER and another 2 night stay at the hospital because I was so sick.  Another ER trip for fluids out here in Tooele, leading to a scope being put down my throat to remove a stricture.  2 straight weeks of throwing up even a few ice chips, then another 3 months of being unable to drink water because of the TWO gastric leaks I had, a PICC line put in my arm so that I could hydrate myself at home with the assistance of home health, 4 abdominal CTs, all culminating in a exploratory surgery to find out what in the world was keeping me so sick! I could barely carry myself up the stairs.  I did not cook one meal or clean my home for that entire 4 months.  I maybe made a PB&J for Juliet a few times, but mostly we just had snacks near my bed.  I was barely a mother to that sweet angel.  She mothered me.  Loved me, cared for me.  Never have I felt such sweetness from an angel from heaven.  Waking from that surgery and hearing that I was fixed, and it was over, was the brightest moment I had felt in all those dark months.  I was the 1%.  Now. I wasn't!

With and through all of this, it was not my faith that wavered.  I knew God heard my prayers.  I knew that Christ had borne all my trials and tribulations for me.  I even knew that they loved me so much, and didn't love watching me suffer.  my darkness was wondering if I could do it. Not why me? Not when will this be over? But can I do this, because it would be so much easier to give up, and be done. Several times I wanted out.  I knew how easy it would be to be done.  Miss a hydration, and I would die.  I never seriously considered it. I don't think. probably. maybe. My husband. My babies.  They kept me here.

I put on a fake smile and said I was fine.  I was not fine.  I was literally dying.  I was so tired.  I hurt. All the time. It was the darkest, most horrible point of my life.

But it was worth it, and I would sign up to do it again tomorrow if I had to.  Knowing how hard it was, and feeling the pain and misery, I would DO IT AGAIN.  My weight loss surgery is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.  It has changed my life in such a profound way.  I am a bigger, better, brighter, happier, stronger, and healthier me now!

I am down 115 pounds as of this morning.  No other way would I have been able to do that!  I am off of all my medications!  My blood pressure is as it was in high school!  I weight250.2 pounds!  tomorrow it will be 1.5 pounds less, since that is my pattern!  I can finally drink 64+ ounces of water each day, and I was finally starting to do my regular things!  I did say was. Because on December 22, I was able to have my hysterectomy!  I did not think I was ever going to be well enough to have it!  I was getting so scared, because my uterus was growing polyps again, and the bleeding, well, honestly, the hemorrhaging was back.  so yes, I am set back a bit, but its a different setback, in 5 more weeks, I will be able to be myself again, and I am so very excited.  I am ready to be me.

I am planning on sharing lots more from now on, I just couldn't before.  I had nothing to give.  but I do now. Lots!