Crepuscular rays

During my morning walk I was contemplating any things.  How hard the fight is, how grateful I am for all my blessings, how I am going to pull off a wedding in just over 3 weeks, how I am going to get the rest of the money for said wedding, Jordan's graduation, and a wedding of a sweet friend tomorrow in the Salt Lake LDS temple.  My heart was a bit more full than usual, and the morning was glorious enough that I had a good processing session going on in my heart.  

Then this. I turned a corner, and saw a breath taking sight.  The sun rays, seeping through the clouds, lighting the land ahead.  Every time I see a sunbeam, it takes me back to a time several years ago.  I still call them crepuscular rays.  I think I always will.  It filled my heart with peace and comfort again.

read it, you will understand.

http://dgswanerfam.blogspot.com/2009/04/lessons-just-for-me.html

Can we talk about Running?

Confession: I love to run!
Once upon a time, in a life, long long ago, I used to run.  I love running! I loved how it made me feel, well, not during the actual running, but the endorphin kick an hour or two after the run.  In fact, the very first time I ran, my friend, Susan Wright, talked me into staying after school to run track with her.  This was not a hard thing to convince me to do since a very cute boy, whom I liked bunches, stayed to do field events also.

That first day, we ran a total of 10 miles between warm ups and all the splits we ran.  I was young, only 14, which made it possible to survive this craziness.  After they dropped me at my house, they told me they would be back in a few hours to go to a dance at the school.  I told them to just go without me, because I was probably going to bed.  To die.  Susan and cute boy knowingly told me, that I would be fine, and they would be there at 9 pm.

I tried to die. I did. But then those lovely endorphins hit.  I was hooked!  I could not believe how fantastic I felt!  Beyond fantastic!  I bounced around that dance like a crazy baby bunny, and continued to run many times a week until I had my oldest 6 years later.  

I ran when I was happy, I ran when I was angry, I ran when I was bored.  I wanted to run forever.  

Over the years I have missed this time.  I have tried to do it, over the past, but my weight was too taxing on this idea.  I hurt like crazy, and it was pointless to try.  It really was.  I could never walk the next day, and that was when I tried running 100 yards at a time, walk, then try again.  

Now I can, I am running further and further each time I run.  It feels wonderful, and I could get addicted to that, in a big hurry, but I am afraid.  I feel justified in that fear as well. Knees.  My knees.  Can you imagine the trauma I have put them through????  

They always used to hurt, and every step I took, there was a clicking sound.  Loud and audible like the click of this keyboard I type on.  Now, I do not have those problems, but the damage has all been done.  

My solution is to only run twice a week.  I walk miles and miles every day, but I would like to not kill my recovering knees.  

But those two times.  Oh the joy I feel!  It feels like youth!  It feels like freedom.  It feels like a heaven on Earth.  I love it so much, I wish I could share the elation in my heart as I run! How many years I have longed to have that liberating feeling that running brings me!  I swear its elation is too much!  But its finally mine, again.

I am slow. Really slow.  But I don't care.  I am not 14 years old anymore.  (nor would I ever want to be.) 

Oh- did I mention that a very very cute boy likes to run with me?

He is super hot.

I still have all the problems and all the things

My weight loss surgery was just a tool.  It wasn't like a little flathead screw driver, it was more like a  power drill

 but it was a tool none the less.  I still fight my addiction.  Every day, in fact, it seems like the old beasts are even more mean and ferocious, not that I haven't lost 165 pounds and feel so much better or anything.  I have not weighed this little since the year 2000, and at that, I had just lost 85 lbs and only kept it off for about 8 months.  before that, I was pregnant with my first, so...1995.  I look in the mirror, and after the initial shock, which really is,
  EVERY SINGLE TIME, 
I think, I am doing great, I can eat this cruddy food or that, its just a bite after all.

Yeah- that happens, all the time.

I am not fixed.  I probably never will be.  I have my power drill, but I still have to use my food diary, like everyone else.  I have to work out.  Like everyone else. I do NOT have a problem with that one, I love working out, but I think I need to bump it up even more. 

I have to tell myself this stuff everyday!  I wish I would have been "fixed," but I guess that my flaws give me power.  Give me hope, and keeps my feet on the ground.  I can't be perfect after all.
(I am a funny girl, aren't I?!) 

But holy cow!  I Feel amazing! So amazing! Did you know that people are not in pain 24 hours a day? I didn't know this!  I had no idea.  I have kept the Advil company on business for the last 10-15 years! I look 800 mg every 8 hours for that many years!  I was always hurting!  But, yeah, I never hurt! I do admit that my knees ache for an hour or so after my run 2 days a week. (remind me about that running, I will need to tell you about that!) But generally, that is the only pain I have now.  I rarely have headaches, never any heart burn, and my feet??!!!  I guess people who stand most the day, can function! Because I sure can! They never hurt!  I bet Advil has taken the hit, and can feel my loss!

Ha ha! I am good with that!  Miss me all you want! 

It makes me dealing with my addiction and my mourning of soda, candy, and sweets, ok.  it also makes my hair loss and my brittle nails bearable too. (but I see hints of their recovery also.)

I am still broken, but I am working on that everyday too.

 This is what 5 pounds of fat looks like.  I had 33 more of these on my body than I do now.  That freaks me out.  like a lot.