The Unhappy One.

Sure. I am the obese woman. I have been her for a while.  I gained weight after my first child 19 years ago.  
Lost it.  Gained after my second.
Lost some of it. Gained more.  
Lost 100 pounds. Looked great. Gained it after my third again. 
Lost 85 pounds. Gained it.  
Up down up down for the next 13 years. 
Through all of this- I am a happy person.  I am.  I have a beautiful family, amazing friends, supportive kids, and rockin' husband.  I have a knowledge of my Divine worth.  I am a daughter of a Loving Heavenly Father.  I was sent here for a Divine Purpose.  My Savior knows all my fears and pains, and made up the difference for all my failings.
I have these things.
They are mine.
They can not be taken from me. But they are often so obscured by the weight.   It is the Adversary's joy to cloud my mind with all the self doubt he can.  I feel such self hatred and loathing because of the weight.  I look in the mirror an see how hideous I look, and forget all the blessings that I have.  Every single time.  I am unhappy being trapped in the obese woman's body.  I fight this battle every single day of my life.
It holds me back.  
It feeds my fears.
I must be stronger than the hatred and fear.  I plan on continuing to try.  I can. I deserve it. I need it.
I want to be happy.  I want to love myself again.
I do not need to be a super model.  I need to be able to walk and not be weary. I must give this all to the Lord, and rely on His strength to get through this trial I loath so much.  I start again today.  As I do everyday.
I keep trying.
I must.

The Obese Woman

I am ready.  I am ready to start talking about this.  Its terrifying. Who wants to be this girl? The unhappy one. The one who hears whispers behind her back.  Are they even real? Or are they the thoughts she has about herself, that she thinks people are whispering? Who wants to be the girl who only fits into the floral tents that the makers of clothes think the obese woman wants to wear? The constant struggle of trying not to eat her feelings? Who is almost afraid of giving this all to the Lord, and trusting him to heal her heart?  What about the co-morbidity that this is causing?  Oh. Wait. Not going there!

Not Me!

I don't want to be her.

Not Today. 

Not ever.

But I am.

I need to start processing all of this.  Making it better in my heart, Making it not who I am.

This is not all that I am!

It's not.

But, it sure is all encompassing, and overwhelming.

Heaven Help Me.