...and Dark.

I feel like I can write about the dark now, now that I see a glimmer at the end of the dark tunnel.  I can speak of the fear and doubts that have plagued my mind the past few days.  Let me tell you!  There has been plenty of FEAR!  and even more DOUBT!  I feared I would always be in pain! Every sip I sipped. Every nibble I took.  I expected surgery pain.  I did! But drinking water pain?! That' I was not happy about! Fear of vomiting! Oy! That was the most painful 2 days of my life.  It was. Can we talk about Doubts??? I was so remorseful and doubted the very spiritual experiences I had leading up to surgery, and knew I was Wrong WRONG WRONG for doing it. Yes. Serious doubts.  I was in a low, dark, and deep place.  A lonely place. One, with no light.

1 day post op, I could not keep even a 1/2 of water down.  I could not .  I had to have a swallow study done.  It was not pleasant at all.  I had to swallow this thick, nasty barium, that we all watched through x-ray going down my throat.  I knew it was coming back up, the whole time.  I hurt, and wanted my pain pump.  But watch we did. At that point I was told I no longer had to try to drink water, but as my stomach filled with bile every hour, up it came.  So another 24 hours of puking was fun had by all.  Well. No. Just me. At least there was the pain pump.

The following afternoon, Dave took Juliet to Sam's Club to get groceries for the kids, I was supposed to have gone home the day before, and they had very little at home.  I was fine-ish. Seemed logical. Until my Doctor walked in the room, all scrubbed up and informed me, that I indeed had a blockage, and a leak, and I was heading back to surgery.  There was an OR in 20 minutes! Dave! You left your phone here! Oh no! Thank goodness for overhead speakers at Sam's club.  He did come back, even though I did not get to see him before.  John and Lorelei prayed with me over the phone before they took me away.  That helped. I felt Dark and alone.

Since being home, I have struggled with pain, food, water.  Everything seems to hurt me, and I do not have enough room in my body to get the required medications, vitamins, water, or food in each day.  Its not possible. Yet it is becoming more and more so.  Yesterday I drank 10 more ounces than the day before and ate one more meal.  (Meal...haha. Its not what anyone else would ever qualify as a meal!)  But I did it! Today I will keep on that path, and try to get ONE of my vitamins in me.  I can do ONE...right? The darkness is evading, ever so slowly.  I see a glimmer of hope and light.  I know Satan is trying to scare me and fill me with doubt, so that I forget the beautiful gifts I received, especially before surgery.  I felt so alone, he may have thought that he was winning.  But he isn't.  I can do this! Right??!!! (Oh please say that I can!  I need you to tell me that I can!) I got this.  With help from all MY people in Heaven, and My Savior, I got this.

Light. (part one of Light and Dark)

I am One week post op, sort of. I did go back in to surgery a few days after my initial surgery.  I had a complication, but that is not at all what I want to talk  about at all.  I want to talk of the events a week ago.  I had such a profound and moving experience, it feels almost too special to share, yet too special not to share.  I stared as I wrote the last time about being excited and ready for surgery.

I was ready, and calm, and unafraid. All that day.  My surgery was pushed back a few hours due to an emergency.  Still, it did not phase me.  My husband and I talked and laughed, and watched bad tv. When they took me away, and wheeled me into the hall across from my operating room, with a view of the beautiful mountains, Staring right at the U on the Mountain wall, I was still so calm.  I was there, with the exception of each of the surgical staff introducing themselves as they arrived for duty, for 45 minutes or so.  I marveled at how peaceful I felt again, and felt such love and support.  I took a moment to pray.

I thanked My Father in Heaven for the hand in getting me to that spot. His Divine love, His Son, my Savior, and His willingness to bear all pains and burdens for me, and especially for the peace and calm I was feeling.  I thanked Him for sending His angels to hold my hands and keep me calm.  At those words I was filled with an new and even more strong blanket of warmth, love, and peace.  I could FEEL and SENSE these angels about me.  I knew there were multiple people, and they were just not people, but they were MY people.  My angels. My family.  I was too overwhelmed with emotion to tell if it was Aunts, or Grandparents, or Great Grandparents, I just felt them, loving me, protecting me, and assuring me that they would keep me safe, and it was not my time to return home with them.   My heart raced with love and appreciation for them all.  I was so incredible, I wish I could explain it with more feeling, so that you could understand.  My eyes filled with tears and I silently thanked them for being with me. 

As I was taken into the OR, they came with me.  The nurse noticed my smile and asked if I has already been given medication. I told her that I indeed had not, and that I was being held together from heaven.  She looked around the room and said, I believe you are.  Then, I was waking up in recovery. 

I had a complication during surgery.  (It came from some scar tissue from my 1997 Gallbladder removal) My surgery had gone 2 hours longer than expected, but they would watch me close, and make sure that all was well before I went home.  I was told even then, I would not be leaving the next day, but probably the next, (well no, 5 days later, and a second surgery) but, things went well.  They did.  I was not afraid, I know that The Lord was with me, supported me in this decision, and all would be well.  I will be forever grateful for this beautiful experience in my life.  I know Heaven hears, and answers our prayers, and that me, just one of God's children, out of millions and billions, can be heard, loved, and taken care of.
I am recovering.  I am , I will tell you more tomorrow.

Recovery...

is hard. I cant really type a coherent sentence. I will try again tomorrow, or the next day.

Today.

This is the day.  Today.  I have worked so hard to get here, and its almost slipped through my fingers.  I had it in the bag, until the bottom of the bag ripped out.  I am not going to have Bariatric coverage on September 16th after all.  Such a crushing blow!  I experienced my very first ever panic attack!  Being a Momma of a Bi-Polar Child with severe social anxiety, I have seen them, a plenty.  Hey! Let me tell you! Seeing the, and feeling them, are two TOTALLY different things!  I could not stop sobbing hysterically, an elephant was standing on my chest, my heart was racing, and I could not BREATHE. At all. I will not be forgetting that, any time soon. Nope.

I was told it would be impossible to have my surgery before the end of August.  No way, No how. I could agree.  No way for me to accomplish that.  But for God, all things are possible, and His hand, has been in all of it.  He made this happen for me.  Monday Morning, I was told, No way.  Tuesday I finalized all my consent forms and here it is, Morning of my Surgery. Its happening TODAY.  I am buying years back of my life. TODAY. I am not going to be dead before I hit 50! TODAY my life will start over.  I will be able to play ball with my 4 year old at the park.  I will be able to hold on to her bike, running after her, to teach her to ride.  I will be able to fly in an airplane to pick up my son from his Mission without (!!!) a extender! I will have my daughter teach me how to ride her long board. I will be able to jump up and down with joy when my oldest comes out of the Temple on her wedding day.  My husband and I WILL be taking our dance lessons, that he has always wanted to take me to. I will! Me! Starting TODAY!

My heart is so full of gratitude and joy.  I am can not begin to express my love for my supportive husband.  His love and spirit have made it possible for me not to lose myself.  To find joy in my life. To be the same spunky funny and crazy girl I always have been.  Without him, I would truly be lost. My family, for their support, my sisters have been my loudest cheerleaders.  My momma. My Mother in law.  Her words this week have touched me deeply.  My dear friends. They may not feel this is the best choice for me, but they are supporting me anyway.  My Savior. He has suffered all my pains, woes, and fears.  But he also knows my joys and loves.  I have a fantastic life.

I am not even afraid.  I will be honest.  I was TERRIFIED of the bowel cleanse.  I was NOT sure how awful that would be.  But ya know? It was no big deal!  My 1000 calorie diet, and my 24 hour fast on Sunday, have made that a cake walk!  I was more afraid of that, then the actual surgery!  I am not at all afraid because I can feel the Lord's hand in this.  He is with me now.  

Today is the day.  I can't believe it. I can not wait. 

 May 2015

 February 2014

October 2014

Rollercoaster ride

This week had been filled with Good news and Bad news. 
Good: I have a Surgery Date! Mid September!
Good: The sale of Dave's company is moving along nicely.  He will still get his raise in September, still have his cell phone allowance, and our insurance deductible will still  have been met.
Good: I walked 43 miles in the last 7 days.
Good: Kids are ready for school tomorrow.
Good: Miracles are alive and well in this world.
Bad: I still hurt.  (but I always do!)
Bad: I will have to give up my relationship with Ibuprofen after surgery. (almost a deal breaker!)
Bad: When Dave's company closes on the sale, I will no longer be able to have my surgery, at least not with the insurance paying for it. 
Bad: Nothing is certain.
Bad: We still do not have an assistant surgeon for a last ditch effort to get surgery done before insurance changes.

We are praying for a mighty miracle.  This whole process has been filled with the tender mercies of the Lord.  So many things have happened to pave and smooth the way for this to happen for us.  My faith, at this point, is being tried.  But I got this.  I know the Lord knows my needs, my righteous desires, and my dedication.  It does not mean that this has not been an up and down week.  The ride is moving so fast, I am barely keeping my breath.  Hang on tight! that what I keep telling myself.

Hey. Did you see that I walked 43 miles this week? That is an average of 6 miles a day!  Yeah, that was me.  I did that!  I am Wonder Woman.

Eyes

When I look out on the world, I do so with the Green  eyes that I was born with.  

The world looked as it does to a child, in my youth.  But as I am older, I can see the world for how it is, and how I choose to see it.  Some times I choose to see it in my happy little bubble.  The one thing I always saw the same, was myself.  I am smart, funny, beautiful, clever, kind, thoughtful, loud, and crazy. 

  I still see myself as that fun young lady who sees optimism all around her.  The world is beautiful and I am happy to be part of the Earth! 

Then I will sometimes see myself as the world must see me.  This is a sight I try to avoid.  I am sure I look sloppy, careless, and obese.  I will get down on myself, beating on my psyche, and feeling the self hatred that comes with those thoughts.  But its only for a moment!  That is not me! That is who the Adversary wants me to see. How Satan can enter our thoughts so!  Thankfully, I can PUSH HIM OUT! 

I am me!  I am not my weight! As I lose this fat that has hindered me so, I do it knowing that I was awesome with it, and without it!  I still can choose kindness and love, as I have always have.  I won't forget that the eyes who have loved me best, through the (or I should say MY) Thick and thin of it all, are the eyes of my loving husband, and the Savior Jesus Christ.  I need to remember to always see myself that way.  

I always used to say that I did not mind the weight.  OF course I minded it, but what I mean by that is - I would rather be happy and fat, than sick and unhappy!  I still truly believe this!  I, unfortunately,  have crossed the threshold to unhealthy.  My body is falling apart, and losing weight will SAVE me.  Am I afraid of losing my spunky lil' self? You bet! But I have always been her, and I have a feeling I still will be!  I always grab onto some addicted behavior.  Gaming and Food.  I was strong enough to overcome my gaming addiction, and I can do this Food Thingy...I am sure I will be grabbing on to a new thing, and I hope its walking!  I have even already been transitioning to that!  I was upset on August 7, but instead of grabbing a brownie, I went on a 4 mile walk!  (Seriously, be super impressed!)  I am praying that this is how I beat this obesity thing, by walking it off.  I can.

I hope I do not see myself as an obese woman for the rest of my life, or a thin woman for that matter, I hope I see a woman who is trying, moving upward, to be a good wife, mother, grandmother, friend, servant, and daughter.  That is what I hope this surgery and weightloss will do for me,  Help me to see with the eyes I usually see out of, the Green Eyes that I always thought were kinda Special.  

For WyN

Hoops Jumped!

In order for my insurance company to pay for my weightloss surgery, I have had to do a bunch of jumping through hoops.  Some of them have been fairly easy, and some were rather hard.  It was such a daunting process.  I didn't think we would make it through!

• 6 months of doctor supervised dieting. Done!
• Psychological evaluation. I am glad that I am not crazy!
• BMI over 35 with 2 or more Co-morbidities or over 40 with none. (so yeah- I was good at this one!  I am FAR over a BMI of 40 AND I have a slew of healthproblems! )
• Lose 10% of my body weight, on my own. This was a hard one, but its DONE!
• Classes on my new "lifestyle."  Did those!
• Surgical Consult. DONE and DONE! 

Then you wait.  For the insurance company to go over every report and see if all the Ts were crossed and all the Is were dotted.  The coordinator who works with my surgeon group says that they LOVE to deny.  But mine was approved in 6 days!   I am so elated!

Confession: But as is my life, its still scary.  We have just learned that money that we were banking on paying our portion (20% ) and which must be paid at the time of service for this kind of surgery, could very well be unavailable now!  My husbands company is in the process of being sold, and we may not be able to withdraw the funds from our 401K as we had planned.  Because there will not be enough time to repay ourselves before the company sells.  This would be a huge blow, and honestly, devastating.  At this point we are buying years of my life back, and avoiding cancer.  I don't know if I could handle not being able to get a hold of the money we need.  We can find a way.

Each day I dream of my new future!  Stairs without pain. All of my medications gone.  being able to go camping with my kids! Wearing non hideous floral plus size clothing.  having my uterus live in the landfill.  Lacing my own shoes without pain.  Dancing with my husband in the kitchen.  All of these dreams are so close and tangible that I can taste them.  If I cant work this out very soon, they may all dwindle away.  I. Will. Be. Heartbroken.

My faith that Heavenly Father knows my needs and fears, and wants me to be happy is holding me up.  This will happen.  I pray mightily for it. 

 But today is celebration! Hoops are jumped, and I am am flying!

Supports

Confession:

I am not as confident as I appear to be.

I have been mulling over things in my heart, mind, and prayers for a long time concerning the new turn in weight loss.  I knew I could not do any of this without my two key people.  My David, and my Savior.  My husband has been nothing but supportive, kind, loving, and excited for and with me.  He truly brings his strength when I have none, his heart when mine breaks, and his laughter to stop my tears.  No one could have been a better husband to me.  He really is my partner in crime.  I would never be the person I am without him dancing behind me with his Pom Poms!  

In those dark times, when I am pushing my body harder than I am sure it can bear, and when I get a win; great or small, That is when I feel my Savior supporting me.  How Christ truly bears our burdens is made evident to me during these times!  When I  am cheering and giving gratitude to My Father in Heaven, I feel My Savior's love.  When I am on my evening walks, and the sun is setting in a blaze of color, I feel Him beside me helping me walk.  I want to be a better person for Him.

With all of this love, I still have doubts and confusion and fear.  I know many in my family and dear friends love me.  I know they will stand with me through this, but I swear that fear seeps in, telling me that I am not good enough, I am going to lose people because they do not respect the choice I have made, or do not care enough to understand it.  I know its irrational, but is it? Is it really?  My obesity has caused huge rifts in relationships.  Most of the rift is my fault, because I am ashamed of how I look.  I am self conscience of the thoughts friends and family are having about how I let myself look this way.  It is really a horrible way to tear myself down.  Yet I do it.  

As an example, two people whom I love dearly, I saw in person for the first time.  I was so excited to see them, and talk, in person, but I was filled with such fear of rejection, because of the way I look, I almost didn't go.  It is silly to think my outside would hide my inside, but it was so terrifying, I couldn't stop the scenarios in my head.  Only through prayer was I able to have the faith to get on that airplane.  (Thank goodness I did!)

Today I shared this Blog with a few people.  Hoping to build my support team.  Terrified of rejection and judgement. It was very hard.  But I am ready.  I am ready to share, hopefully help someone.  My prayer today was for courage.  

Maybe tomorrow I will have the courage to post before pictures.

Pain

I am in a constant state of pain.  Before I started trying to lose the weight this time, I was in pain because of inactivity.  

Huff Puff Huff Puff up the stairs. 

Huff Puff Huff Puff in and out of the car.  

Huff Puff Huff Puff on a flat surface!  

I would walk down the hall and want to take a rest.  Talk about  not being able to "Run and not be Weary!" 

Now my pain is from all the walking I have been doing!  My sister and her husband bought these little wrist bands called a Jawbone.  After spending a week with her on our vacation, I wanted one too.  It is similar to a Fitbit, but much more affordable!  I bought one and the first few days, just did my usual thing, and was quite ashamed of my behavior!  I was only walking 1700-2000 steps per day.  I also was not getting very much deep sleep.  I couldn't believe how sedentary I was and just HOW out of shape I was.  

The Jawbone has helped me feel so much more accountable.  I started striving for more and more steps.  At first it was hard to get 5,000 a day, but after reaching 7,500 consistently for a few weeks, I dug in, and decided I would get 10,000 steps, every single day.  

Since May, this has been working, and my average steps per day is over 13,000 at this point.  I go on a few walks per day, but I notice that I have more energy to get my housework done, go a few extra places, and by the end of the day, I do not NEED to go on a 3 mile walk to get all my steps in.  I still go on the walk, because I NEED the exercise.  

I feel happier, stronger, and I can climb my steps without being out of breath! I can get out of my car without sounding like I may die, and I do not get out of breath on my long walks, until I have gone for 15 minutes or so! Its so fantastic.

However, there is pain.  My knees always hurt. My feet, my thighs, my butt.  I know its a good pain, but its pain none the less.  Want to know how I feel about my pain?  I LOVE it!

Confession and change

I guess I will start here, with an explanation. I used to say that I was the healthiest fat woman you could meet.  I didn't have any health problems that you could expect from someone of my considerable weight.  I have been extremely lucky.  No diabetes, no blood pressure issues. No apnea.  I was just extra thick.

Well, that changed. 

 I guess things started to fall apart much earlier than I was willing to admit, but I bet that is fair typical of anyone who is being confronted with their own hand in their mortality.  I would dare say that my problems started 6 years ago, but I am just going to pretend that is NOT true. Ok? Let me have this one.  This Year, at the end of February, I started having horrible women problems.  Bluntly put, I was having a period to end all periods.  Only it didn't end.  By the first of May I was a mess.  It was still heavier than I had ever experienced, more than after giving birth to my four children!  I was ill, weak, and beyond frustrated.  I was horribly anemic, and after a few tests, I was down almost 3 units of blood. I couldn't fathom what my problem was.  

End result? I have a softball sized fibroid on the outside of my Uterus, I had several polyps inside of the uterus, and the uterus itself was as big as if I was 6 months pregnant!  All of these things were with a ultrasound, and subsequent biopsy and surgery.  For some, a hysterectomy would have been preformed right then, but no.  As my very kind OBGYN stated,  

"because of the thick abdominal wall"

 it would be unsafe and unwise to preform such a surgery at this state. I have been put into medically induced menopause to shrink the uterus and fibroid, to help.  It's not enough.  I need to lose weight to have the surgery happen safely.  Yep. I am too obese to have a hysterectomy safely.  Not cool. Not cool at all.

I was mortified of course, but encouraged to make a change.  It started slowly, as I had just had surgery.   But March started a process, started a dream, and started a reality.  May I pushed it into overdrive, and here it is August and I am ready to share that very soon- hopefully within a month, I will be having weight loss surgery!!   I had not planned this to be the route I took to lose my weight, but as my health, and words like precancerous polyps start being tossed around like candy in a parade, the reality of its necessity slaps you upside the head.  I have been working for the last 6 months with several doctors, to make this happen.  I have been walking everyday, I am up to 5 miles a day. (2 to 3 walks to accomplish this feat!) I am in a constant state of pain from the walking, but I feel better than I have in 7 years!  I also have lost 30lbs, which is amazing in and of itself, but the inches is what is amazing!  I wear a 24 now!  That is down from a tight 28!  I am thrilled!  

While all of my hard, hard work is paying off, it is not fast enough to save me.  I do not want Cancer.  I have to do something drastic, and ultimately much harder.  But I can do this.  I can.  I am so excited for change.

Did you see her?!?

I have lost all my weight before. And gained it back. And lost it & gained again.
It's brutal on your self worth. Brutal. But the hardest part is the deplorable treatment of society of the obese woman. Since I have been on both sides, I have felt and lived through the reactions of others. People are so judgmental of the obese woman. People actually look in your shopping cart as you are grocery shopping. They have looks on their faces that say hey lady! you do NOT need that!
No they don't you say.
Oh. Yes. They do.
Does everyone?
Honestly, does it matter? You hear it once, you hear it always. I am sure, unless someone you love is trapped inside of an obese person, you have thought it.
Or other things.
Did you SEE her?
How could she let herself get like that?!
Ugh. Does she not care about herself?!
If it's ever been said, from that moment on, everyone must be saying it. All people. All the time.
Right?!

Probably not.

That is not how you feel. Ever.
But I am more than my fat.

The Unhappy One.

Sure. I am the obese woman. I have been her for a while.  I gained weight after my first child 19 years ago.  
Lost it.  Gained after my second.
Lost some of it. Gained more.  
Lost 100 pounds. Looked great. Gained it after my third again. 
Lost 85 pounds. Gained it.  
Up down up down for the next 13 years. 
Through all of this- I am a happy person.  I am.  I have a beautiful family, amazing friends, supportive kids, and rockin' husband.  I have a knowledge of my Divine worth.  I am a daughter of a Loving Heavenly Father.  I was sent here for a Divine Purpose.  My Savior knows all my fears and pains, and made up the difference for all my failings.
I have these things.
They are mine.
They can not be taken from me. But they are often so obscured by the weight.   It is the Adversary's joy to cloud my mind with all the self doubt he can.  I feel such self hatred and loathing because of the weight.  I look in the mirror an see how hideous I look, and forget all the blessings that I have.  Every single time.  I am unhappy being trapped in the obese woman's body.  I fight this battle every single day of my life.
It holds me back.  
It feeds my fears.
I must be stronger than the hatred and fear.  I plan on continuing to try.  I can. I deserve it. I need it.
I want to be happy.  I want to love myself again.
I do not need to be a super model.  I need to be able to walk and not be weary. I must give this all to the Lord, and rely on His strength to get through this trial I loath so much.  I start again today.  As I do everyday.
I keep trying.
I must.

The Obese Woman

I am ready.  I am ready to start talking about this.  Its terrifying. Who wants to be this girl? The unhappy one. The one who hears whispers behind her back.  Are they even real? Or are they the thoughts she has about herself, that she thinks people are whispering? Who wants to be the girl who only fits into the floral tents that the makers of clothes think the obese woman wants to wear? The constant struggle of trying not to eat her feelings? Who is almost afraid of giving this all to the Lord, and trusting him to heal her heart?  What about the co-morbidity that this is causing?  Oh. Wait. Not going there!

Not Me!

I don't want to be her.

Not Today. 

Not ever.

But I am.

I need to start processing all of this.  Making it better in my heart, Making it not who I am.

This is not all that I am!

It's not.

But, it sure is all encompassing, and overwhelming.

Heaven Help Me.