Today.

This is the day.  Today.  I have worked so hard to get here, and its almost slipped through my fingers.  I had it in the bag, until the bottom of the bag ripped out.  I am not going to have Bariatric coverage on September 16th after all.  Such a crushing blow!  I experienced my very first ever panic attack!  Being a Momma of a Bi-Polar Child with severe social anxiety, I have seen them, a plenty.  Hey! Let me tell you! Seeing the, and feeling them, are two TOTALLY different things!  I could not stop sobbing hysterically, an elephant was standing on my chest, my heart was racing, and I could not BREATHE. At all. I will not be forgetting that, any time soon. Nope.

I was told it would be impossible to have my surgery before the end of August.  No way, No how. I could agree.  No way for me to accomplish that.  But for God, all things are possible, and His hand, has been in all of it.  He made this happen for me.  Monday Morning, I was told, No way.  Tuesday I finalized all my consent forms and here it is, Morning of my Surgery. Its happening TODAY.  I am buying years back of my life. TODAY. I am not going to be dead before I hit 50! TODAY my life will start over.  I will be able to play ball with my 4 year old at the park.  I will be able to hold on to her bike, running after her, to teach her to ride.  I will be able to fly in an airplane to pick up my son from his Mission without (!!!) a extender! I will have my daughter teach me how to ride her long board. I will be able to jump up and down with joy when my oldest comes out of the Temple on her wedding day.  My husband and I WILL be taking our dance lessons, that he has always wanted to take me to. I will! Me! Starting TODAY!

My heart is so full of gratitude and joy.  I am can not begin to express my love for my supportive husband.  His love and spirit have made it possible for me not to lose myself.  To find joy in my life. To be the same spunky funny and crazy girl I always have been.  Without him, I would truly be lost. My family, for their support, my sisters have been my loudest cheerleaders.  My momma. My Mother in law.  Her words this week have touched me deeply.  My dear friends. They may not feel this is the best choice for me, but they are supporting me anyway.  My Savior. He has suffered all my pains, woes, and fears.  But he also knows my joys and loves.  I have a fantastic life.

I am not even afraid.  I will be honest.  I was TERRIFIED of the bowel cleanse.  I was NOT sure how awful that would be.  But ya know? It was no big deal!  My 1000 calorie diet, and my 24 hour fast on Sunday, have made that a cake walk!  I was more afraid of that, then the actual surgery!  I am not at all afraid because I can feel the Lord's hand in this.  He is with me now.  

Today is the day.  I can't believe it. I can not wait. 

 May 2015

 February 2014

October 2014