Flippity Floppity

Confession: My skin is getting more and more floppy all the time.

At this point, I don't care!  I keep hearing how I am going to hate all my excess skin when this is over.  Ya know, I probably will!  Why? You would think that fat would be a lot worse to look at than excess skin right? The lumps and the bumps, and all the floral curtains they make for obese women to wear.  So excess skin? What's the big deal? 

I will hate it because we are awful to ourselves.  We are so critical. Cruel in fact.  We can  be happy and encouraging to everyone around us, but when it comes to our own selves,  We are hideous monsters!  So will I hate the way I look? Maybe. Probably. Yes. But I am vowing right now, to work hard. Work hard on loving myself. For the first time in a long time.  I will fight that mean me, and love and be proud of all that I am accomplishing.  I will love myself!  That self doubt will come.  The self criticism and loathing, but I need to remember, and you should REMIND me, 

Gabrielle! Stop! You are awesome!

And besides, I have seen what that excess removal surgery looks like...I have already had a jp drain in me for 4 months of my life. I am not about to let someone put another one in me! No thank you!

I am in my addiction when...

Confession: I found one way I lose control.  I am sure I will find other ways, but, for now, I can start work on the one.

I am in my addiction when I look, talk, or smell my trigger foods.  I made light of the delicious cheese article on my last post, but after looking at that link, I was so intrenched in my addiction, I could only think, crave, and salivate over things I am not supposed to eat for over an hour.  I could think of nothing else! It took everything in my power to get through that hour, without "falling off the wagon."  I had to get out of the house. Away from food, and honestly, I had no where to go.  I had no access to a car, and my only alternative was to leave on foot.  It was 19 degrees outside, and I have a barely coat, since I have given last years coat to a thrift store since it was so large.  I started walking, and to my great relief, a dear friend from across the country, called to help me talk through my demons.  

While I was able to get through this bout of craving for the drug I am desperately trying to avoid, I was feeling hopeless and powerless, and fearful of the future.  For the next temptation.  At least if my addiction was to heroin, it would not fill my cupboards and be spattered all over the internet.  But my addiction is food. and it is EVERYWHERE! 

Then, last night, an answer to my prayers.  I went to group.  A support group for people who have had weight loss surgery.  This group are all in the same stage I am.  Still losing and not to goal weight.  It was so wonderful to relate to people.  To have such understanding. I shared my experience of the cheese story online.  How I sat and fed my eyeballs with the gooey cheesiness and how is weirded out my brain for am hour afterwards.  Then I was taught a tool.  A line of defense. TO avoid this trap.  The trap I walked right into, where I literally FED my addiction.  I must avoid things that TRIGGER my cravings, that trigger my addiction.

We talked about neuro pathways. How in less that 4 seconds we can turn a pathway on, and get wrapped up in those self destructive feelings.  WE also talked about ways to try to stop.

Gabrielle! Stop! You deserve more!

That is my new mantra. My new goal. What I will try so hard to do, when faced with my monsters. My demons.  Gabrielle! Stop! You deserve more!

The hater, is NOT going to be me.
Because, I do.

Hair. Frost. Shoes.

Confession: I am surprised almost daily with new problems due to rapid weight loss.


Rapid weight loss is super fun. Well, actually, its not really fun at all.  Its a head game, like I have mentioned before, you have so many self esteem issues, SO MANY, and to help in that department, you also have hair loss! You would not believe the way I shed!  Its nothing, and I mean ABSOLUTELY nothing like the hair loss you experience after you have a baby!  In fact, if I was not blessed with a huge amount of hair, you would be able to see my scalp through my hair at this point.  Many people that I have found in on-line support groups have basically chopped off their hair, because its so terribly thin.  again, I am blessed to have my mother's hair, and lots of it, so now my ponytail is about a nickle around instead of lemon sized.  

I am not really complaining.  I am just stating this as a fact.  I do hate all the shedding.  I have hair everywhere, and new baby hair sticking up all over the place.  The thing I do complain about, and I mean A LOT, is how cold and freezing I am ALL OF THE TIME!  I swear I violently shake half my day long!  I was never a cold girl before!  I could survive all winter, without a coat, in the tundra of Northern Utah, kept warm by own brand of insulation.  But now, every pound that comes off of me, leaves me colder than the pound before!  I get in bed at night, under 4-5 blankets.  No LIE! My poor husband...I spent years training him to enjoy sleeping in a nice cool room.  Now his wife wants the heat on.  All the time, and as high as anyone can stand it.  When we drive, he is always turning the heat down until I am shivering again, and then takes one for the team while I warm back up and he swelters!

Another strange thing about Rapid weight loss are my shoes.   My feet did not grow as I became fat.  They became wider.  So in order to accommodate the foot, I would either buy wide width shoes, or the next size up.  (you know this to be true...right?)  Yesterday as I was getting ready for church, I put on 3 different pairs of shoes.  and as I tried to walk in them, walked right out of them.  So yes. I need to also buy new shoes.  That is not at all inconvenient.  

But these obnoxious things do not bother me too much.  Because each day I am reminded why I did this.  I feel so much better.  I can do so many more things.  My 4  year old loves to play with me.  When I pray for guidance, the Lord hears and answers my prayers.  He also touches my heart, with a warm feeling of acknowledgment, when I thank my Father in Heaven for the love and support and the courage to fight my food battles each day.  My life is sweet, and I am grateful that I am still living it. 

Ready to talk

Finally.  I am ready to talk.  I thought that I would be talking and taking you on this journey with me.  I am open and I wanted this to be able to help another who is considering this kind of lifestyle change.  What I did not foresee was the depths of despair and frustration my journey has taken me to.  Never in my life have I felt so low, so lonely, and my ability to pull myself out, was not there.  I felt lower than flat.  I was below the surface, like a drowning, I could see those above the water, reaching out to me to grab their hands, but I couldn't raise my arm to meet them, everything getting more and more blurry as I sank to the bottom.  I tried to drown once, when we lived in Louisiana. I remember it vividly.  This felt very very similar to that.  The thing that is exactly the same, is the prayer and faith I had that I would not actually drown.  I didn't.  I am here.

I had every complication known to man, I swear.  Starting with 48 hours after my weight loss surgery, having to go back in for a revision.  Then in September, ending up in the ER and another 2 night stay at the hospital because I was so sick.  Another ER trip for fluids out here in Tooele, leading to a scope being put down my throat to remove a stricture.  2 straight weeks of throwing up even a few ice chips, then another 3 months of being unable to drink water because of the TWO gastric leaks I had, a PICC line put in my arm so that I could hydrate myself at home with the assistance of home health, 4 abdominal CTs, all culminating in a exploratory surgery to find out what in the world was keeping me so sick! I could barely carry myself up the stairs.  I did not cook one meal or clean my home for that entire 4 months.  I maybe made a PB&J for Juliet a few times, but mostly we just had snacks near my bed.  I was barely a mother to that sweet angel.  She mothered me.  Loved me, cared for me.  Never have I felt such sweetness from an angel from heaven.  Waking from that surgery and hearing that I was fixed, and it was over, was the brightest moment I had felt in all those dark months.  I was the 1%.  Now. I wasn't!

With and through all of this, it was not my faith that wavered.  I knew God heard my prayers.  I knew that Christ had borne all my trials and tribulations for me.  I even knew that they loved me so much, and didn't love watching me suffer.  my darkness was wondering if I could do it. Not why me? Not when will this be over? But can I do this, because it would be so much easier to give up, and be done. Several times I wanted out.  I knew how easy it would be to be done.  Miss a hydration, and I would die.  I never seriously considered it. I don't think. probably. maybe. My husband. My babies.  They kept me here.

I put on a fake smile and said I was fine.  I was not fine.  I was literally dying.  I was so tired.  I hurt. All the time. It was the darkest, most horrible point of my life.

But it was worth it, and I would sign up to do it again tomorrow if I had to.  Knowing how hard it was, and feeling the pain and misery, I would DO IT AGAIN.  My weight loss surgery is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.  It has changed my life in such a profound way.  I am a bigger, better, brighter, happier, stronger, and healthier me now!

I am down 115 pounds as of this morning.  No other way would I have been able to do that!  I am off of all my medications!  My blood pressure is as it was in high school!  I weight250.2 pounds!  tomorrow it will be 1.5 pounds less, since that is my pattern!  I can finally drink 64+ ounces of water each day, and I was finally starting to do my regular things!  I did say was. Because on December 22, I was able to have my hysterectomy!  I did not think I was ever going to be well enough to have it!  I was getting so scared, because my uterus was growing polyps again, and the bleeding, well, honestly, the hemorrhaging was back.  so yes, I am set back a bit, but its a different setback, in 5 more weeks, I will be able to be myself again, and I am so very excited.  I am ready to be me.

I am planning on sharing lots more from now on, I just couldn't before.  I had nothing to give.  but I do now. Lots!

Today.

This is the day.  Today.  I have worked so hard to get here, and its almost slipped through my fingers.  I had it in the bag, until the bottom of the bag ripped out.  I am not going to have Bariatric coverage on September 16th after all.  Such a crushing blow!  I experienced my very first ever panic attack!  Being a Momma of a Bi-Polar Child with severe social anxiety, I have seen them, a plenty.  Hey! Let me tell you! Seeing the, and feeling them, are two TOTALLY different things!  I could not stop sobbing hysterically, an elephant was standing on my chest, my heart was racing, and I could not BREATHE. At all. I will not be forgetting that, any time soon. Nope.

I was told it would be impossible to have my surgery before the end of August.  No way, No how. I could agree.  No way for me to accomplish that.  But for God, all things are possible, and His hand, has been in all of it.  He made this happen for me.  Monday Morning, I was told, No way.  Tuesday I finalized all my consent forms and here it is, Morning of my Surgery. Its happening TODAY.  I am buying years back of my life. TODAY. I am not going to be dead before I hit 50! TODAY my life will start over.  I will be able to play ball with my 4 year old at the park.  I will be able to hold on to her bike, running after her, to teach her to ride.  I will be able to fly in an airplane to pick up my son from his Mission without (!!!) a extender! I will have my daughter teach me how to ride her long board. I will be able to jump up and down with joy when my oldest comes out of the Temple on her wedding day.  My husband and I WILL be taking our dance lessons, that he has always wanted to take me to. I will! Me! Starting TODAY!

My heart is so full of gratitude and joy.  I am can not begin to express my love for my supportive husband.  His love and spirit have made it possible for me not to lose myself.  To find joy in my life. To be the same spunky funny and crazy girl I always have been.  Without him, I would truly be lost. My family, for their support, my sisters have been my loudest cheerleaders.  My momma. My Mother in law.  Her words this week have touched me deeply.  My dear friends. They may not feel this is the best choice for me, but they are supporting me anyway.  My Savior. He has suffered all my pains, woes, and fears.  But he also knows my joys and loves.  I have a fantastic life.

I am not even afraid.  I will be honest.  I was TERRIFIED of the bowel cleanse.  I was NOT sure how awful that would be.  But ya know? It was no big deal!  My 1000 calorie diet, and my 24 hour fast on Sunday, have made that a cake walk!  I was more afraid of that, then the actual surgery!  I am not at all afraid because I can feel the Lord's hand in this.  He is with me now.  

Today is the day.  I can't believe it. I can not wait. 

 May 2015

 February 2014

October 2014

Hoops Jumped!

In order for my insurance company to pay for my weightloss surgery, I have had to do a bunch of jumping through hoops.  Some of them have been fairly easy, and some were rather hard.  It was such a daunting process.  I didn't think we would make it through!

• 6 months of doctor supervised dieting. Done!
• Psychological evaluation. I am glad that I am not crazy!
• BMI over 35 with 2 or more Co-morbidities or over 40 with none. (so yeah- I was good at this one!  I am FAR over a BMI of 40 AND I have a slew of healthproblems! )
• Lose 10% of my body weight, on my own. This was a hard one, but its DONE!
• Classes on my new "lifestyle."  Did those!
• Surgical Consult. DONE and DONE! 

Then you wait.  For the insurance company to go over every report and see if all the Ts were crossed and all the Is were dotted.  The coordinator who works with my surgeon group says that they LOVE to deny.  But mine was approved in 6 days!   I am so elated!

Confession: But as is my life, its still scary.  We have just learned that money that we were banking on paying our portion (20% ) and which must be paid at the time of service for this kind of surgery, could very well be unavailable now!  My husbands company is in the process of being sold, and we may not be able to withdraw the funds from our 401K as we had planned.  Because there will not be enough time to repay ourselves before the company sells.  This would be a huge blow, and honestly, devastating.  At this point we are buying years of my life back, and avoiding cancer.  I don't know if I could handle not being able to get a hold of the money we need.  We can find a way.

Each day I dream of my new future!  Stairs without pain. All of my medications gone.  being able to go camping with my kids! Wearing non hideous floral plus size clothing.  having my uterus live in the landfill.  Lacing my own shoes without pain.  Dancing with my husband in the kitchen.  All of these dreams are so close and tangible that I can taste them.  If I cant work this out very soon, they may all dwindle away.  I. Will. Be. Heartbroken.

My faith that Heavenly Father knows my needs and fears, and wants me to be happy is holding me up.  This will happen.  I pray mightily for it. 

 But today is celebration! Hoops are jumped, and I am am flying!

Confession and change

I guess I will start here, with an explanation. I used to say that I was the healthiest fat woman you could meet.  I didn't have any health problems that you could expect from someone of my considerable weight.  I have been extremely lucky.  No diabetes, no blood pressure issues. No apnea.  I was just extra thick.

Well, that changed. 

 I guess things started to fall apart much earlier than I was willing to admit, but I bet that is fair typical of anyone who is being confronted with their own hand in their mortality.  I would dare say that my problems started 6 years ago, but I am just going to pretend that is NOT true. Ok? Let me have this one.  This Year, at the end of February, I started having horrible women problems.  Bluntly put, I was having a period to end all periods.  Only it didn't end.  By the first of May I was a mess.  It was still heavier than I had ever experienced, more than after giving birth to my four children!  I was ill, weak, and beyond frustrated.  I was horribly anemic, and after a few tests, I was down almost 3 units of blood. I couldn't fathom what my problem was.  

End result? I have a softball sized fibroid on the outside of my Uterus, I had several polyps inside of the uterus, and the uterus itself was as big as if I was 6 months pregnant!  All of these things were with a ultrasound, and subsequent biopsy and surgery.  For some, a hysterectomy would have been preformed right then, but no.  As my very kind OBGYN stated,  

"because of the thick abdominal wall"

 it would be unsafe and unwise to preform such a surgery at this state. I have been put into medically induced menopause to shrink the uterus and fibroid, to help.  It's not enough.  I need to lose weight to have the surgery happen safely.  Yep. I am too obese to have a hysterectomy safely.  Not cool. Not cool at all.

I was mortified of course, but encouraged to make a change.  It started slowly, as I had just had surgery.   But March started a process, started a dream, and started a reality.  May I pushed it into overdrive, and here it is August and I am ready to share that very soon- hopefully within a month, I will be having weight loss surgery!!   I had not planned this to be the route I took to lose my weight, but as my health, and words like precancerous polyps start being tossed around like candy in a parade, the reality of its necessity slaps you upside the head.  I have been working for the last 6 months with several doctors, to make this happen.  I have been walking everyday, I am up to 5 miles a day. (2 to 3 walks to accomplish this feat!) I am in a constant state of pain from the walking, but I feel better than I have in 7 years!  I also have lost 30lbs, which is amazing in and of itself, but the inches is what is amazing!  I wear a 24 now!  That is down from a tight 28!  I am thrilled!  

While all of my hard, hard work is paying off, it is not fast enough to save me.  I do not want Cancer.  I have to do something drastic, and ultimately much harder.  But I can do this.  I can.  I am so excited for change.