Scale victory!

Confession: Its all about my new life. But today, I win the scale!

It has been an awful week.  My family said goodbye to the best man. One of my very favorite people in the world.  My sweet Father-in-Law passed from this life to begin his eternities, and while we rejoice for him, we miss him already.  I have been an emotional wreck, and watching the man I love mourn his very best friend, has been very hard.  BUT - I want to talk about my journey.  Some of those feelings are too close right now.

For me, emotional wreck means eating.  Food is such a comfort!  I could down much chocolaty goodness during a hard time, and go and go, and spiral down to full blown addiction mode.

I have been changing my habits much, but I will be so honest, I had a small piece of cake. Some taffy there, a bite of chocolate here and here.  I am still the addict.  I know this.  I focused on healthy meals. Its the in between that I struggled with.  

I did well however.  I had a few slips, but I do not feel sucked back in.  I feel like I am still in control, which is a wonderful feeling! I am hanging in there! 

But because of my slips and "bad behavior" I thought I had better take the plunge, weigh myself, see the damage...I have not weighed in about a week, and I had been hovering for a week or 2 at 203-201 lbs.   I was nervous.  Imagine my surprise! For the first time in over 20 years- I weigh less than 200 pounds!  

ONEDERLAND baby!!

I am so happy- I can barely keep it in!  My goal was to be at this weight by June 18th!  I DID IT! I am elated!  I needed this, this hard week.  This is a scale victory for sure!

However, usually its about the non-scale victories.  I love how I feel, my energy, my accomplished feeling, and my ability to do the things I need to, and WANT to.  Don't focus on the scale.  You are MORE than the scale.  

I AM MORE than the scale! 

(But today, we might just be bestest friends!)

Game plan

Confession:

Its easy to slip up.  In many things in life.  I wish I did not need food to survive.  I love delicious things.  Clearly.  

Today is a new day.  I have been trying to find a way to encourage myself a little bit differently.  I think I am going to join 

http://www.sixsistersstrong.com/product/8-week-get-healthy-challenge/

to encourage myself.  I want to lose 30 more pounds.  I would like to make that happen by labor day.  That does not seem like too huge of a goal does it? 

Does anyone want to do this with me? Be on my team?  I have to eat along my food and vitamin guidelines, but this will send me friendly reminders and keep me accountable.  I have a feeling that the next few weeks may send me crashing.  Into eating all my feelings.  It has me beyond scared.

That is all I can say about it today.  Emotions are far too high.

But I sure did have a wonderful time dancing last night.  Maybe I will talk about that in a day or two.

Ghosts of Ice Cream Past

Confession: I cried the other day because I wanted ice cream so badly.

I really did.  I cried.  It wasn't a grocery store tantrum of a 3 year old when mommy sas - Not this time sweetie, when asked if we could buy ice cream.  It wasn't like that at all! I have my very favorite kind of ice cream in my ice cream in the freezer right now. It, and other kinds have been in the freezer for some time.  I have no problem with it.  My family is very supportive and generally eat what I make for dinner with no complaints, but they did not sign up for this lifestyle, so I buy icecream for the weekends, or make biscuits and gravy from time to time.   I love them and they deserve it! 

But the other night, I spiralled down, into the depths of my addiction and woke up craving that stupid ice cream. Delicious Farr's Mint Chocolate Chip.  I lay in bed and thought of that evil evil minty goodness, and the more I thought of it, the more it became an obsession.  After 2 HOURS of this, I still had not gone to the kitchen, because I CAN DO HARD THINGS! I even yelled at myself! Gabrielle STOP! but the problem is, you see, is I waited too long to tell myself to stop. I was already in such a state.  Then, cue the tears.  I cried.  I dont know if it was because I was not eating the ice cream, or if was because I was in a head space that was so hard, but cry I did. What made all this craziness end?  Prayer. A plea for heavenly help.

The ice cream is still in the freezer, not being eaten by me.  And it is ok.  I do not want it anymore.  This is just a battle I  will have to fight. I will need help, clearly.  But I can do this.

I also have finally started walking again! 2.5 miles a day.  It is much harder than it was before... being in bed, practically dying for 4 months can do that for you...but I am loving it!

And I wore my husbands workout shirt to walk in, and it was not even tight!

I am in my addiction when...

Confession: I found one way I lose control.  I am sure I will find other ways, but, for now, I can start work on the one.

I am in my addiction when I look, talk, or smell my trigger foods.  I made light of the delicious cheese article on my last post, but after looking at that link, I was so intrenched in my addiction, I could only think, crave, and salivate over things I am not supposed to eat for over an hour.  I could think of nothing else! It took everything in my power to get through that hour, without "falling off the wagon."  I had to get out of the house. Away from food, and honestly, I had no where to go.  I had no access to a car, and my only alternative was to leave on foot.  It was 19 degrees outside, and I have a barely coat, since I have given last years coat to a thrift store since it was so large.  I started walking, and to my great relief, a dear friend from across the country, called to help me talk through my demons.  

While I was able to get through this bout of craving for the drug I am desperately trying to avoid, I was feeling hopeless and powerless, and fearful of the future.  For the next temptation.  At least if my addiction was to heroin, it would not fill my cupboards and be spattered all over the internet.  But my addiction is food. and it is EVERYWHERE! 

Then, last night, an answer to my prayers.  I went to group.  A support group for people who have had weight loss surgery.  This group are all in the same stage I am.  Still losing and not to goal weight.  It was so wonderful to relate to people.  To have such understanding. I shared my experience of the cheese story online.  How I sat and fed my eyeballs with the gooey cheesiness and how is weirded out my brain for am hour afterwards.  Then I was taught a tool.  A line of defense. TO avoid this trap.  The trap I walked right into, where I literally FED my addiction.  I must avoid things that TRIGGER my cravings, that trigger my addiction.

We talked about neuro pathways. How in less that 4 seconds we can turn a pathway on, and get wrapped up in those self destructive feelings.  WE also talked about ways to try to stop.

Gabrielle! Stop! You deserve more!

That is my new mantra. My new goal. What I will try so hard to do, when faced with my monsters. My demons.  Gabrielle! Stop! You deserve more!

The hater, is NOT going to be me.
Because, I do.

Oh brother. I am broken.

Confession: I have a problem with food.

Today's evidence? I just spent the last 15 minutes going through the following website. 
http://www.cheeserank.com/medialist/american-cheese-recipes-usa-usa-usa?utm_campaign=50American_Desktop_DVN3I&utm_term=50American_Desktop_DVN3I_LQTML&utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=paid

Its ridiculous.  I can't eat that stuff!

Pinterest? Yah. I look at a lot of food.

Those stupid Tasty Videos on Facebook? I watch every stupid one.

I have tracked all my calories today.  Now I am planning what I can eat next.

I hate my relationship with food!  Why is it soooooo consuming.  I want to break up with it!  Right now! Today! Forever!

But then a triple creme Brie will call to me. Eat me! Eat me now.

Sometimes I need to go hide away.  

Far far away.

On a deserted tropical island.  With no food.

Except for 2 or 3 different kind of vegetables.

and bacon.

Forever.

Sorry. Not Sorry. Should I be sorry?

Confession: I hold back my excitement most of the time because I feel like I am bragging about my weight loss and everything that goes with it.  

I of course, tell my beloved hubs everything. He is excited with each and every thing I get excited over.  I can not imagine a more supportive partner.  

But others? I feel like I am bragging!  Hey, I lost almost 3 pounds last night! Can you believe it? I am wearing a size 16!  My glasses are so big they are falling off my face!  My jaw is so darling!  Can you see it???

Sounds pretty braggy huh? Feels like I am only consumed with myself.  Makes me sound like I think everyone should be doing as well as me.  That is not my intent at all! I am just so elated for me!  I know that my choices led me to this state of my health and body, and I also know I have to fight my intense food addiction every moment of every day.

Yesterday, I heated up some spaghetti pie for Juliet. I had made it the night before, and them made my steak and brussel sprouts.  No temptations, I was all over that brussel sprout.  But after hers was heated up, it smelled so good, and I did it.  I shoved my fork in, and took a bite. Its only spaghetti! Everyone eats spaghetti!  It does not make the masses obese.  Then another, then another. My brain finally gained control, and I flung my fork into the sink.  I was so angry and disappointed in myself! I can't eat spaghetti! It will slow or stop my weight loss, and I have been too sick for too long to let myself back track already.  

Recently I sat at the computer to order somethings we need for the house.  There was a box of Dave's cherry cordials.  I don't even like those things.  But obese woman me, addicted to sugar me, picked one up and popped it into my mouth.   I didn't even think a thing of it.  Like its the most natural thing in the world.  I don't think that its ever going to change.  I am going to have to fight this, for the rest of my life! 

When I am excited about my achievements, I want to share!  I want you to know that its HARD to lose every pound.  It is HARD to not over eat! It is HARD to not eat delicious pasta, and bread, and divine divine sugar! HARD. Its almost more than I can handle sometimes.  I want to curl up in a ball and cry.  But I can do HARD things. Every day. I want to share! I am going to. If I drive you bonkers, that is not my intent. My intent is to be happy.  To be proud. To be healthy. To be brave. To keep trying.

Confession #2: Look at this!  

 This is me, as sick and as obese this girl could be. I was happy, but not even slightly healthy.

 Yesterday. Can you believe that?  I was freezing as usual.  I will talk about that tomorrow.

 A lap! A lap!  I have a lap! Its still not great! but I have a lap!!!! I am pumped up!

Can you see me crossing my legs?!  I can! I have not done this since I was pregnant with Kira- year 2000!  This is a HUGE victory for me! I am so very happy about this! if you can't tell...