Scale victory!

Confession: Its all about my new life. But today, I win the scale!

It has been an awful week.  My family said goodbye to the best man. One of my very favorite people in the world.  My sweet Father-in-Law passed from this life to begin his eternities, and while we rejoice for him, we miss him already.  I have been an emotional wreck, and watching the man I love mourn his very best friend, has been very hard.  BUT - I want to talk about my journey.  Some of those feelings are too close right now.

For me, emotional wreck means eating.  Food is such a comfort!  I could down much chocolaty goodness during a hard time, and go and go, and spiral down to full blown addiction mode.

I have been changing my habits much, but I will be so honest, I had a small piece of cake. Some taffy there, a bite of chocolate here and here.  I am still the addict.  I know this.  I focused on healthy meals. Its the in between that I struggled with.  

I did well however.  I had a few slips, but I do not feel sucked back in.  I feel like I am still in control, which is a wonderful feeling! I am hanging in there! 

But because of my slips and "bad behavior" I thought I had better take the plunge, weigh myself, see the damage...I have not weighed in about a week, and I had been hovering for a week or 2 at 203-201 lbs.   I was nervous.  Imagine my surprise! For the first time in over 20 years- I weigh less than 200 pounds!  

ONEDERLAND baby!!

I am so happy- I can barely keep it in!  My goal was to be at this weight by June 18th!  I DID IT! I am elated!  I needed this, this hard week.  This is a scale victory for sure!

However, usually its about the non-scale victories.  I love how I feel, my energy, my accomplished feeling, and my ability to do the things I need to, and WANT to.  Don't focus on the scale.  You are MORE than the scale.  

I AM MORE than the scale! 

(But today, we might just be bestest friends!)

Flippity Floppity

Confession: My skin is getting more and more floppy all the time.

At this point, I don't care!  I keep hearing how I am going to hate all my excess skin when this is over.  Ya know, I probably will!  Why? You would think that fat would be a lot worse to look at than excess skin right? The lumps and the bumps, and all the floral curtains they make for obese women to wear.  So excess skin? What's the big deal? 

I will hate it because we are awful to ourselves.  We are so critical. Cruel in fact.  We can  be happy and encouraging to everyone around us, but when it comes to our own selves,  We are hideous monsters!  So will I hate the way I look? Maybe. Probably. Yes. But I am vowing right now, to work hard. Work hard on loving myself. For the first time in a long time.  I will fight that mean me, and love and be proud of all that I am accomplishing.  I will love myself!  That self doubt will come.  The self criticism and loathing, but I need to remember, and you should REMIND me, 

Gabrielle! Stop! You are awesome!

And besides, I have seen what that excess removal surgery looks like...I have already had a jp drain in me for 4 months of my life. I am not about to let someone put another one in me! No thank you!

my unexpected struggle

Confession: I am surprised by the support from friends and family during this trial and journey, and also the lack of support from the people you are closest to.

This rapid weight loss thing is a head game. Many warned me of this.  I felt ready, and mostly I was, but the things that are hard are surprising me so much! In fact, much tears have been shed.  My immediate family is beyond supportive and excited.  My kids can already see my life changing.  I don't need my feet rubbed every night, I do not need assistance tying my tennis shoes, climbing on a chair to get something out of the cupboard, climbing over the back seat to reach something, the list can go on and on and on.   My acquaintances are some of my biggest cheer leaders!  This surprises me because they really didn't know my day to day trials.  They really didn't see how ill, how hard, and how MUCH my weight effected me.  Yet there they are, cheering me on. Hoping and watching for my success.  Noticing my hard work.  This truly melts my heart! but some of the people who I am closest to, not all of them mind you, do not seem happy with my progress. Maybe that is too harsh...they act as though I am cheating my way through it. Like its easy because I am just "starving to death" or have an "anatomy that will not absorb fat anyway" or I will just "lose weight with out even trying." This shocked me, hurt me, and has caused a bucket of tears.

I said it.  I have cried. Cried my eyes out.  I feel so lonely and afraid sometimes.  I work so hard to make sure I get enough calories every day. To make sure I have the nutrition I need to not end up in the hospital- AGAIN.  I can't just eat the beloved brownie, the brownie of my dreams, the brownie i eye lustfully, and covetously, because if I eat that, at the end of the day, my muscle mass will have depleted some, my potassium will get too low, and I probably would have just craved more and more sugar until I didn't have enough hydration for that day.  Where will that get me? Oh! I know! A trip to the ER!  I have had 5 of those! I know the drill!  I work this- every day! I need my people! and to not have them, here, cheering for me, breaks my little heart. broken. sad. 

I struggle each day with my appearance.  I look in the mirror an barely recognize myself.  It weirds me out! should it?  I have no idea! Its just what it is.  The last thing I need is to feed abandoned or betrayed by the people I love.  Do they even realize that I feel this? Did they mean to make me feel this way? Is this a jealousy thing? sure! I am always jealous of the thin and the perfect! But I am working so hard for each day. Each day I make 30 food choices!  I just have a great big fat hammer in my tool box now! (its nice to have around, that fat hammer!) But I am building a me right now, and I have to take every step myself! I am just shocked, sad, and hurt.

I guess I shouldn't be such a cry baby.  I always say that I need to consider some one's INTENT before feeling bad.  I know people do not generally intend of hurting people's feelining, but hey, I swear my feelings are way way way to close to the surface these days.  Maybe I should shove them back down. A little. 

Thankfully I know that prayers are answered.  Everyday.  I know that I was lead to this life changing decisions through many hours of prayer and personal revelation.  I know that my Savior had borne all my tribulations, and is still there for me, cheering me on.  Without Him, I would for sure be lost. In all ways.