Game plan

Confession:

Its easy to slip up.  In many things in life.  I wish I did not need food to survive.  I love delicious things.  Clearly.  

Today is a new day.  I have been trying to find a way to encourage myself a little bit differently.  I think I am going to join 

http://www.sixsistersstrong.com/product/8-week-get-healthy-challenge/

to encourage myself.  I want to lose 30 more pounds.  I would like to make that happen by labor day.  That does not seem like too huge of a goal does it? 

Does anyone want to do this with me? Be on my team?  I have to eat along my food and vitamin guidelines, but this will send me friendly reminders and keep me accountable.  I have a feeling that the next few weeks may send me crashing.  Into eating all my feelings.  It has me beyond scared.

That is all I can say about it today.  Emotions are far too high.

But I sure did have a wonderful time dancing last night.  Maybe I will talk about that in a day or two.

Crepuscular rays

During my morning walk I was contemplating any things.  How hard the fight is, how grateful I am for all my blessings, how I am going to pull off a wedding in just over 3 weeks, how I am going to get the rest of the money for said wedding, Jordan's graduation, and a wedding of a sweet friend tomorrow in the Salt Lake LDS temple.  My heart was a bit more full than usual, and the morning was glorious enough that I had a good processing session going on in my heart.  

Then this. I turned a corner, and saw a breath taking sight.  The sun rays, seeping through the clouds, lighting the land ahead.  Every time I see a sunbeam, it takes me back to a time several years ago.  I still call them crepuscular rays.  I think I always will.  It filled my heart with peace and comfort again.

read it, you will understand.

http://dgswanerfam.blogspot.com/2009/04/lessons-just-for-me.html

my unexpected struggle

Confession: I am surprised by the support from friends and family during this trial and journey, and also the lack of support from the people you are closest to.

This rapid weight loss thing is a head game. Many warned me of this.  I felt ready, and mostly I was, but the things that are hard are surprising me so much! In fact, much tears have been shed.  My immediate family is beyond supportive and excited.  My kids can already see my life changing.  I don't need my feet rubbed every night, I do not need assistance tying my tennis shoes, climbing on a chair to get something out of the cupboard, climbing over the back seat to reach something, the list can go on and on and on.   My acquaintances are some of my biggest cheer leaders!  This surprises me because they really didn't know my day to day trials.  They really didn't see how ill, how hard, and how MUCH my weight effected me.  Yet there they are, cheering me on. Hoping and watching for my success.  Noticing my hard work.  This truly melts my heart! but some of the people who I am closest to, not all of them mind you, do not seem happy with my progress. Maybe that is too harsh...they act as though I am cheating my way through it. Like its easy because I am just "starving to death" or have an "anatomy that will not absorb fat anyway" or I will just "lose weight with out even trying." This shocked me, hurt me, and has caused a bucket of tears.

I said it.  I have cried. Cried my eyes out.  I feel so lonely and afraid sometimes.  I work so hard to make sure I get enough calories every day. To make sure I have the nutrition I need to not end up in the hospital- AGAIN.  I can't just eat the beloved brownie, the brownie of my dreams, the brownie i eye lustfully, and covetously, because if I eat that, at the end of the day, my muscle mass will have depleted some, my potassium will get too low, and I probably would have just craved more and more sugar until I didn't have enough hydration for that day.  Where will that get me? Oh! I know! A trip to the ER!  I have had 5 of those! I know the drill!  I work this- every day! I need my people! and to not have them, here, cheering for me, breaks my little heart. broken. sad. 

I struggle each day with my appearance.  I look in the mirror an barely recognize myself.  It weirds me out! should it?  I have no idea! Its just what it is.  The last thing I need is to feed abandoned or betrayed by the people I love.  Do they even realize that I feel this? Did they mean to make me feel this way? Is this a jealousy thing? sure! I am always jealous of the thin and the perfect! But I am working so hard for each day. Each day I make 30 food choices!  I just have a great big fat hammer in my tool box now! (its nice to have around, that fat hammer!) But I am building a me right now, and I have to take every step myself! I am just shocked, sad, and hurt.

I guess I shouldn't be such a cry baby.  I always say that I need to consider some one's INTENT before feeling bad.  I know people do not generally intend of hurting people's feelining, but hey, I swear my feelings are way way way to close to the surface these days.  Maybe I should shove them back down. A little. 

Thankfully I know that prayers are answered.  Everyday.  I know that I was lead to this life changing decisions through many hours of prayer and personal revelation.  I know that my Savior had borne all my tribulations, and is still there for me, cheering me on.  Without Him, I would for sure be lost. In all ways.

Sorry. Not Sorry. Should I be sorry?

Confession: I hold back my excitement most of the time because I feel like I am bragging about my weight loss and everything that goes with it.  

I of course, tell my beloved hubs everything. He is excited with each and every thing I get excited over.  I can not imagine a more supportive partner.  

But others? I feel like I am bragging!  Hey, I lost almost 3 pounds last night! Can you believe it? I am wearing a size 16!  My glasses are so big they are falling off my face!  My jaw is so darling!  Can you see it???

Sounds pretty braggy huh? Feels like I am only consumed with myself.  Makes me sound like I think everyone should be doing as well as me.  That is not my intent at all! I am just so elated for me!  I know that my choices led me to this state of my health and body, and I also know I have to fight my intense food addiction every moment of every day.

Yesterday, I heated up some spaghetti pie for Juliet. I had made it the night before, and them made my steak and brussel sprouts.  No temptations, I was all over that brussel sprout.  But after hers was heated up, it smelled so good, and I did it.  I shoved my fork in, and took a bite. Its only spaghetti! Everyone eats spaghetti!  It does not make the masses obese.  Then another, then another. My brain finally gained control, and I flung my fork into the sink.  I was so angry and disappointed in myself! I can't eat spaghetti! It will slow or stop my weight loss, and I have been too sick for too long to let myself back track already.  

Recently I sat at the computer to order somethings we need for the house.  There was a box of Dave's cherry cordials.  I don't even like those things.  But obese woman me, addicted to sugar me, picked one up and popped it into my mouth.   I didn't even think a thing of it.  Like its the most natural thing in the world.  I don't think that its ever going to change.  I am going to have to fight this, for the rest of my life! 

When I am excited about my achievements, I want to share!  I want you to know that its HARD to lose every pound.  It is HARD to not over eat! It is HARD to not eat delicious pasta, and bread, and divine divine sugar! HARD. Its almost more than I can handle sometimes.  I want to curl up in a ball and cry.  But I can do HARD things. Every day. I want to share! I am going to. If I drive you bonkers, that is not my intent. My intent is to be happy.  To be proud. To be healthy. To be brave. To keep trying.

Confession #2: Look at this!  

 This is me, as sick and as obese this girl could be. I was happy, but not even slightly healthy.

 Yesterday. Can you believe that?  I was freezing as usual.  I will talk about that tomorrow.

 A lap! A lap!  I have a lap! Its still not great! but I have a lap!!!! I am pumped up!

Can you see me crossing my legs?!  I can! I have not done this since I was pregnant with Kira- year 2000!  This is a HUGE victory for me! I am so very happy about this! if you can't tell...

Ready to talk

Finally.  I am ready to talk.  I thought that I would be talking and taking you on this journey with me.  I am open and I wanted this to be able to help another who is considering this kind of lifestyle change.  What I did not foresee was the depths of despair and frustration my journey has taken me to.  Never in my life have I felt so low, so lonely, and my ability to pull myself out, was not there.  I felt lower than flat.  I was below the surface, like a drowning, I could see those above the water, reaching out to me to grab their hands, but I couldn't raise my arm to meet them, everything getting more and more blurry as I sank to the bottom.  I tried to drown once, when we lived in Louisiana. I remember it vividly.  This felt very very similar to that.  The thing that is exactly the same, is the prayer and faith I had that I would not actually drown.  I didn't.  I am here.

I had every complication known to man, I swear.  Starting with 48 hours after my weight loss surgery, having to go back in for a revision.  Then in September, ending up in the ER and another 2 night stay at the hospital because I was so sick.  Another ER trip for fluids out here in Tooele, leading to a scope being put down my throat to remove a stricture.  2 straight weeks of throwing up even a few ice chips, then another 3 months of being unable to drink water because of the TWO gastric leaks I had, a PICC line put in my arm so that I could hydrate myself at home with the assistance of home health, 4 abdominal CTs, all culminating in a exploratory surgery to find out what in the world was keeping me so sick! I could barely carry myself up the stairs.  I did not cook one meal or clean my home for that entire 4 months.  I maybe made a PB&J for Juliet a few times, but mostly we just had snacks near my bed.  I was barely a mother to that sweet angel.  She mothered me.  Loved me, cared for me.  Never have I felt such sweetness from an angel from heaven.  Waking from that surgery and hearing that I was fixed, and it was over, was the brightest moment I had felt in all those dark months.  I was the 1%.  Now. I wasn't!

With and through all of this, it was not my faith that wavered.  I knew God heard my prayers.  I knew that Christ had borne all my trials and tribulations for me.  I even knew that they loved me so much, and didn't love watching me suffer.  my darkness was wondering if I could do it. Not why me? Not when will this be over? But can I do this, because it would be so much easier to give up, and be done. Several times I wanted out.  I knew how easy it would be to be done.  Miss a hydration, and I would die.  I never seriously considered it. I don't think. probably. maybe. My husband. My babies.  They kept me here.

I put on a fake smile and said I was fine.  I was not fine.  I was literally dying.  I was so tired.  I hurt. All the time. It was the darkest, most horrible point of my life.

But it was worth it, and I would sign up to do it again tomorrow if I had to.  Knowing how hard it was, and feeling the pain and misery, I would DO IT AGAIN.  My weight loss surgery is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.  It has changed my life in such a profound way.  I am a bigger, better, brighter, happier, stronger, and healthier me now!

I am down 115 pounds as of this morning.  No other way would I have been able to do that!  I am off of all my medications!  My blood pressure is as it was in high school!  I weight250.2 pounds!  tomorrow it will be 1.5 pounds less, since that is my pattern!  I can finally drink 64+ ounces of water each day, and I was finally starting to do my regular things!  I did say was. Because on December 22, I was able to have my hysterectomy!  I did not think I was ever going to be well enough to have it!  I was getting so scared, because my uterus was growing polyps again, and the bleeding, well, honestly, the hemorrhaging was back.  so yes, I am set back a bit, but its a different setback, in 5 more weeks, I will be able to be myself again, and I am so very excited.  I am ready to be me.

I am planning on sharing lots more from now on, I just couldn't before.  I had nothing to give.  but I do now. Lots!

Confession and change

I guess I will start here, with an explanation. I used to say that I was the healthiest fat woman you could meet.  I didn't have any health problems that you could expect from someone of my considerable weight.  I have been extremely lucky.  No diabetes, no blood pressure issues. No apnea.  I was just extra thick.

Well, that changed. 

 I guess things started to fall apart much earlier than I was willing to admit, but I bet that is fair typical of anyone who is being confronted with their own hand in their mortality.  I would dare say that my problems started 6 years ago, but I am just going to pretend that is NOT true. Ok? Let me have this one.  This Year, at the end of February, I started having horrible women problems.  Bluntly put, I was having a period to end all periods.  Only it didn't end.  By the first of May I was a mess.  It was still heavier than I had ever experienced, more than after giving birth to my four children!  I was ill, weak, and beyond frustrated.  I was horribly anemic, and after a few tests, I was down almost 3 units of blood. I couldn't fathom what my problem was.  

End result? I have a softball sized fibroid on the outside of my Uterus, I had several polyps inside of the uterus, and the uterus itself was as big as if I was 6 months pregnant!  All of these things were with a ultrasound, and subsequent biopsy and surgery.  For some, a hysterectomy would have been preformed right then, but no.  As my very kind OBGYN stated,  

"because of the thick abdominal wall"

 it would be unsafe and unwise to preform such a surgery at this state. I have been put into medically induced menopause to shrink the uterus and fibroid, to help.  It's not enough.  I need to lose weight to have the surgery happen safely.  Yep. I am too obese to have a hysterectomy safely.  Not cool. Not cool at all.

I was mortified of course, but encouraged to make a change.  It started slowly, as I had just had surgery.   But March started a process, started a dream, and started a reality.  May I pushed it into overdrive, and here it is August and I am ready to share that very soon- hopefully within a month, I will be having weight loss surgery!!   I had not planned this to be the route I took to lose my weight, but as my health, and words like precancerous polyps start being tossed around like candy in a parade, the reality of its necessity slaps you upside the head.  I have been working for the last 6 months with several doctors, to make this happen.  I have been walking everyday, I am up to 5 miles a day. (2 to 3 walks to accomplish this feat!) I am in a constant state of pain from the walking, but I feel better than I have in 7 years!  I also have lost 30lbs, which is amazing in and of itself, but the inches is what is amazing!  I wear a 24 now!  That is down from a tight 28!  I am thrilled!  

While all of my hard, hard work is paying off, it is not fast enough to save me.  I do not want Cancer.  I have to do something drastic, and ultimately much harder.  But I can do this.  I can.  I am so excited for change.