Light. (part one of Light and Dark)

I am One week post op, sort of. I did go back in to surgery a few days after my initial surgery.  I had a complication, but that is not at all what I want to talk  about at all.  I want to talk of the events a week ago.  I had such a profound and moving experience, it feels almost too special to share, yet too special not to share.  I stared as I wrote the last time about being excited and ready for surgery.

I was ready, and calm, and unafraid. All that day.  My surgery was pushed back a few hours due to an emergency.  Still, it did not phase me.  My husband and I talked and laughed, and watched bad tv. When they took me away, and wheeled me into the hall across from my operating room, with a view of the beautiful mountains, Staring right at the U on the Mountain wall, I was still so calm.  I was there, with the exception of each of the surgical staff introducing themselves as they arrived for duty, for 45 minutes or so.  I marveled at how peaceful I felt again, and felt such love and support.  I took a moment to pray.

I thanked My Father in Heaven for the hand in getting me to that spot. His Divine love, His Son, my Savior, and His willingness to bear all pains and burdens for me, and especially for the peace and calm I was feeling.  I thanked Him for sending His angels to hold my hands and keep me calm.  At those words I was filled with an new and even more strong blanket of warmth, love, and peace.  I could FEEL and SENSE these angels about me.  I knew there were multiple people, and they were just not people, but they were MY people.  My angels. My family.  I was too overwhelmed with emotion to tell if it was Aunts, or Grandparents, or Great Grandparents, I just felt them, loving me, protecting me, and assuring me that they would keep me safe, and it was not my time to return home with them.   My heart raced with love and appreciation for them all.  I was so incredible, I wish I could explain it with more feeling, so that you could understand.  My eyes filled with tears and I silently thanked them for being with me. 

As I was taken into the OR, they came with me.  The nurse noticed my smile and asked if I has already been given medication. I told her that I indeed had not, and that I was being held together from heaven.  She looked around the room and said, I believe you are.  Then, I was waking up in recovery. 

I had a complication during surgery.  (It came from some scar tissue from my 1997 Gallbladder removal) My surgery had gone 2 hours longer than expected, but they would watch me close, and make sure that all was well before I went home.  I was told even then, I would not be leaving the next day, but probably the next, (well no, 5 days later, and a second surgery) but, things went well.  They did.  I was not afraid, I know that The Lord was with me, supported me in this decision, and all would be well.  I will be forever grateful for this beautiful experience in my life.  I know Heaven hears, and answers our prayers, and that me, just one of God's children, out of millions and billions, can be heard, loved, and taken care of.
I am recovering.  I am , I will tell you more tomorrow.

Confession and change

I guess I will start here, with an explanation. I used to say that I was the healthiest fat woman you could meet.  I didn't have any health problems that you could expect from someone of my considerable weight.  I have been extremely lucky.  No diabetes, no blood pressure issues. No apnea.  I was just extra thick.

Well, that changed. 

 I guess things started to fall apart much earlier than I was willing to admit, but I bet that is fair typical of anyone who is being confronted with their own hand in their mortality.  I would dare say that my problems started 6 years ago, but I am just going to pretend that is NOT true. Ok? Let me have this one.  This Year, at the end of February, I started having horrible women problems.  Bluntly put, I was having a period to end all periods.  Only it didn't end.  By the first of May I was a mess.  It was still heavier than I had ever experienced, more than after giving birth to my four children!  I was ill, weak, and beyond frustrated.  I was horribly anemic, and after a few tests, I was down almost 3 units of blood. I couldn't fathom what my problem was.  

End result? I have a softball sized fibroid on the outside of my Uterus, I had several polyps inside of the uterus, and the uterus itself was as big as if I was 6 months pregnant!  All of these things were with a ultrasound, and subsequent biopsy and surgery.  For some, a hysterectomy would have been preformed right then, but no.  As my very kind OBGYN stated,  

"because of the thick abdominal wall"

 it would be unsafe and unwise to preform such a surgery at this state. I have been put into medically induced menopause to shrink the uterus and fibroid, to help.  It's not enough.  I need to lose weight to have the surgery happen safely.  Yep. I am too obese to have a hysterectomy safely.  Not cool. Not cool at all.

I was mortified of course, but encouraged to make a change.  It started slowly, as I had just had surgery.   But March started a process, started a dream, and started a reality.  May I pushed it into overdrive, and here it is August and I am ready to share that very soon- hopefully within a month, I will be having weight loss surgery!!   I had not planned this to be the route I took to lose my weight, but as my health, and words like precancerous polyps start being tossed around like candy in a parade, the reality of its necessity slaps you upside the head.  I have been working for the last 6 months with several doctors, to make this happen.  I have been walking everyday, I am up to 5 miles a day. (2 to 3 walks to accomplish this feat!) I am in a constant state of pain from the walking, but I feel better than I have in 7 years!  I also have lost 30lbs, which is amazing in and of itself, but the inches is what is amazing!  I wear a 24 now!  That is down from a tight 28!  I am thrilled!  

While all of my hard, hard work is paying off, it is not fast enough to save me.  I do not want Cancer.  I have to do something drastic, and ultimately much harder.  But I can do this.  I can.  I am so excited for change.