...and Dark.

I feel like I can write about the dark now, now that I see a glimmer at the end of the dark tunnel.  I can speak of the fear and doubts that have plagued my mind the past few days.  Let me tell you!  There has been plenty of FEAR!  and even more DOUBT!  I feared I would always be in pain! Every sip I sipped. Every nibble I took.  I expected surgery pain.  I did! But drinking water pain?! That' I was not happy about! Fear of vomiting! Oy! That was the most painful 2 days of my life.  It was. Can we talk about Doubts??? I was so remorseful and doubted the very spiritual experiences I had leading up to surgery, and knew I was Wrong WRONG WRONG for doing it. Yes. Serious doubts.  I was in a low, dark, and deep place.  A lonely place. One, with no light.

1 day post op, I could not keep even a 1/2 of water down.  I could not .  I had to have a swallow study done.  It was not pleasant at all.  I had to swallow this thick, nasty barium, that we all watched through x-ray going down my throat.  I knew it was coming back up, the whole time.  I hurt, and wanted my pain pump.  But watch we did. At that point I was told I no longer had to try to drink water, but as my stomach filled with bile every hour, up it came.  So another 24 hours of puking was fun had by all.  Well. No. Just me. At least there was the pain pump.

The following afternoon, Dave took Juliet to Sam's Club to get groceries for the kids, I was supposed to have gone home the day before, and they had very little at home.  I was fine-ish. Seemed logical. Until my Doctor walked in the room, all scrubbed up and informed me, that I indeed had a blockage, and a leak, and I was heading back to surgery.  There was an OR in 20 minutes! Dave! You left your phone here! Oh no! Thank goodness for overhead speakers at Sam's club.  He did come back, even though I did not get to see him before.  John and Lorelei prayed with me over the phone before they took me away.  That helped. I felt Dark and alone.

Since being home, I have struggled with pain, food, water.  Everything seems to hurt me, and I do not have enough room in my body to get the required medications, vitamins, water, or food in each day.  Its not possible. Yet it is becoming more and more so.  Yesterday I drank 10 more ounces than the day before and ate one more meal.  (Meal...haha. Its not what anyone else would ever qualify as a meal!)  But I did it! Today I will keep on that path, and try to get ONE of my vitamins in me.  I can do ONE...right? The darkness is evading, ever so slowly.  I see a glimmer of hope and light.  I know Satan is trying to scare me and fill me with doubt, so that I forget the beautiful gifts I received, especially before surgery.  I felt so alone, he may have thought that he was winning.  But he isn't.  I can do this! Right??!!! (Oh please say that I can!  I need you to tell me that I can!) I got this.  With help from all MY people in Heaven, and My Savior, I got this.

Light. (part one of Light and Dark)

I am One week post op, sort of. I did go back in to surgery a few days after my initial surgery.  I had a complication, but that is not at all what I want to talk  about at all.  I want to talk of the events a week ago.  I had such a profound and moving experience, it feels almost too special to share, yet too special not to share.  I stared as I wrote the last time about being excited and ready for surgery.

I was ready, and calm, and unafraid. All that day.  My surgery was pushed back a few hours due to an emergency.  Still, it did not phase me.  My husband and I talked and laughed, and watched bad tv. When they took me away, and wheeled me into the hall across from my operating room, with a view of the beautiful mountains, Staring right at the U on the Mountain wall, I was still so calm.  I was there, with the exception of each of the surgical staff introducing themselves as they arrived for duty, for 45 minutes or so.  I marveled at how peaceful I felt again, and felt such love and support.  I took a moment to pray.

I thanked My Father in Heaven for the hand in getting me to that spot. His Divine love, His Son, my Savior, and His willingness to bear all pains and burdens for me, and especially for the peace and calm I was feeling.  I thanked Him for sending His angels to hold my hands and keep me calm.  At those words I was filled with an new and even more strong blanket of warmth, love, and peace.  I could FEEL and SENSE these angels about me.  I knew there were multiple people, and they were just not people, but they were MY people.  My angels. My family.  I was too overwhelmed with emotion to tell if it was Aunts, or Grandparents, or Great Grandparents, I just felt them, loving me, protecting me, and assuring me that they would keep me safe, and it was not my time to return home with them.   My heart raced with love and appreciation for them all.  I was so incredible, I wish I could explain it with more feeling, so that you could understand.  My eyes filled with tears and I silently thanked them for being with me. 

As I was taken into the OR, they came with me.  The nurse noticed my smile and asked if I has already been given medication. I told her that I indeed had not, and that I was being held together from heaven.  She looked around the room and said, I believe you are.  Then, I was waking up in recovery. 

I had a complication during surgery.  (It came from some scar tissue from my 1997 Gallbladder removal) My surgery had gone 2 hours longer than expected, but they would watch me close, and make sure that all was well before I went home.  I was told even then, I would not be leaving the next day, but probably the next, (well no, 5 days later, and a second surgery) but, things went well.  They did.  I was not afraid, I know that The Lord was with me, supported me in this decision, and all would be well.  I will be forever grateful for this beautiful experience in my life.  I know Heaven hears, and answers our prayers, and that me, just one of God's children, out of millions and billions, can be heard, loved, and taken care of.
I am recovering.  I am , I will tell you more tomorrow.