...and Dark.

I feel like I can write about the dark now, now that I see a glimmer at the end of the dark tunnel.  I can speak of the fear and doubts that have plagued my mind the past few days.  Let me tell you!  There has been plenty of FEAR!  and even more DOUBT!  I feared I would always be in pain! Every sip I sipped. Every nibble I took.  I expected surgery pain.  I did! But drinking water pain?! That' I was not happy about! Fear of vomiting! Oy! That was the most painful 2 days of my life.  It was. Can we talk about Doubts??? I was so remorseful and doubted the very spiritual experiences I had leading up to surgery, and knew I was Wrong WRONG WRONG for doing it. Yes. Serious doubts.  I was in a low, dark, and deep place.  A lonely place. One, with no light.

1 day post op, I could not keep even a 1/2 of water down.  I could not .  I had to have a swallow study done.  It was not pleasant at all.  I had to swallow this thick, nasty barium, that we all watched through x-ray going down my throat.  I knew it was coming back up, the whole time.  I hurt, and wanted my pain pump.  But watch we did. At that point I was told I no longer had to try to drink water, but as my stomach filled with bile every hour, up it came.  So another 24 hours of puking was fun had by all.  Well. No. Just me. At least there was the pain pump.

The following afternoon, Dave took Juliet to Sam's Club to get groceries for the kids, I was supposed to have gone home the day before, and they had very little at home.  I was fine-ish. Seemed logical. Until my Doctor walked in the room, all scrubbed up and informed me, that I indeed had a blockage, and a leak, and I was heading back to surgery.  There was an OR in 20 minutes! Dave! You left your phone here! Oh no! Thank goodness for overhead speakers at Sam's club.  He did come back, even though I did not get to see him before.  John and Lorelei prayed with me over the phone before they took me away.  That helped. I felt Dark and alone.

Since being home, I have struggled with pain, food, water.  Everything seems to hurt me, and I do not have enough room in my body to get the required medications, vitamins, water, or food in each day.  Its not possible. Yet it is becoming more and more so.  Yesterday I drank 10 more ounces than the day before and ate one more meal.  (Meal...haha. Its not what anyone else would ever qualify as a meal!)  But I did it! Today I will keep on that path, and try to get ONE of my vitamins in me.  I can do ONE...right? The darkness is evading, ever so slowly.  I see a glimmer of hope and light.  I know Satan is trying to scare me and fill me with doubt, so that I forget the beautiful gifts I received, especially before surgery.  I felt so alone, he may have thought that he was winning.  But he isn't.  I can do this! Right??!!! (Oh please say that I can!  I need you to tell me that I can!) I got this.  With help from all MY people in Heaven, and My Savior, I got this.