Crepuscular rays

During my morning walk I was contemplating any things.  How hard the fight is, how grateful I am for all my blessings, how I am going to pull off a wedding in just over 3 weeks, how I am going to get the rest of the money for said wedding, Jordan's graduation, and a wedding of a sweet friend tomorrow in the Salt Lake LDS temple.  My heart was a bit more full than usual, and the morning was glorious enough that I had a good processing session going on in my heart.  

Then this. I turned a corner, and saw a breath taking sight.  The sun rays, seeping through the clouds, lighting the land ahead.  Every time I see a sunbeam, it takes me back to a time several years ago.  I still call them crepuscular rays.  I think I always will.  It filled my heart with peace and comfort again.

read it, you will understand.

http://dgswanerfam.blogspot.com/2009/04/lessons-just-for-me.html

Can we talk about Running?

Confession: I love to run!
Once upon a time, in a life, long long ago, I used to run.  I love running! I loved how it made me feel, well, not during the actual running, but the endorphin kick an hour or two after the run.  In fact, the very first time I ran, my friend, Susan Wright, talked me into staying after school to run track with her.  This was not a hard thing to convince me to do since a very cute boy, whom I liked bunches, stayed to do field events also.

That first day, we ran a total of 10 miles between warm ups and all the splits we ran.  I was young, only 14, which made it possible to survive this craziness.  After they dropped me at my house, they told me they would be back in a few hours to go to a dance at the school.  I told them to just go without me, because I was probably going to bed.  To die.  Susan and cute boy knowingly told me, that I would be fine, and they would be there at 9 pm.

I tried to die. I did. But then those lovely endorphins hit.  I was hooked!  I could not believe how fantastic I felt!  Beyond fantastic!  I bounced around that dance like a crazy baby bunny, and continued to run many times a week until I had my oldest 6 years later.  

I ran when I was happy, I ran when I was angry, I ran when I was bored.  I wanted to run forever.  

Over the years I have missed this time.  I have tried to do it, over the past, but my weight was too taxing on this idea.  I hurt like crazy, and it was pointless to try.  It really was.  I could never walk the next day, and that was when I tried running 100 yards at a time, walk, then try again.  

Now I can, I am running further and further each time I run.  It feels wonderful, and I could get addicted to that, in a big hurry, but I am afraid.  I feel justified in that fear as well. Knees.  My knees.  Can you imagine the trauma I have put them through????  

They always used to hurt, and every step I took, there was a clicking sound.  Loud and audible like the click of this keyboard I type on.  Now, I do not have those problems, but the damage has all been done.  

My solution is to only run twice a week.  I walk miles and miles every day, but I would like to not kill my recovering knees.  

But those two times.  Oh the joy I feel!  It feels like youth!  It feels like freedom.  It feels like a heaven on Earth.  I love it so much, I wish I could share the elation in my heart as I run! How many years I have longed to have that liberating feeling that running brings me!  I swear its elation is too much!  But its finally mine, again.

I am slow. Really slow.  But I don't care.  I am not 14 years old anymore.  (nor would I ever want to be.) 

Oh- did I mention that a very very cute boy likes to run with me?

He is super hot.

Hoops Jumped!

In order for my insurance company to pay for my weightloss surgery, I have had to do a bunch of jumping through hoops.  Some of them have been fairly easy, and some were rather hard.  It was such a daunting process.  I didn't think we would make it through!

• 6 months of doctor supervised dieting. Done!
• Psychological evaluation. I am glad that I am not crazy!
• BMI over 35 with 2 or more Co-morbidities or over 40 with none. (so yeah- I was good at this one!  I am FAR over a BMI of 40 AND I have a slew of healthproblems! )
• Lose 10% of my body weight, on my own. This was a hard one, but its DONE!
• Classes on my new "lifestyle."  Did those!
• Surgical Consult. DONE and DONE! 

Then you wait.  For the insurance company to go over every report and see if all the Ts were crossed and all the Is were dotted.  The coordinator who works with my surgeon group says that they LOVE to deny.  But mine was approved in 6 days!   I am so elated!

Confession: But as is my life, its still scary.  We have just learned that money that we were banking on paying our portion (20% ) and which must be paid at the time of service for this kind of surgery, could very well be unavailable now!  My husbands company is in the process of being sold, and we may not be able to withdraw the funds from our 401K as we had planned.  Because there will not be enough time to repay ourselves before the company sells.  This would be a huge blow, and honestly, devastating.  At this point we are buying years of my life back, and avoiding cancer.  I don't know if I could handle not being able to get a hold of the money we need.  We can find a way.

Each day I dream of my new future!  Stairs without pain. All of my medications gone.  being able to go camping with my kids! Wearing non hideous floral plus size clothing.  having my uterus live in the landfill.  Lacing my own shoes without pain.  Dancing with my husband in the kitchen.  All of these dreams are so close and tangible that I can taste them.  If I cant work this out very soon, they may all dwindle away.  I. Will. Be. Heartbroken.

My faith that Heavenly Father knows my needs and fears, and wants me to be happy is holding me up.  This will happen.  I pray mightily for it. 

 But today is celebration! Hoops are jumped, and I am am flying!