During my morning walk I was contemplating any things. How hard the fight is, how grateful I am for all my blessings, how I am going to pull off a wedding in just over 3 weeks, how I am going to get the rest of the money for said wedding, Jordan's graduation, and a wedding of a sweet friend tomorrow in the Salt Lake LDS temple. My heart was a bit more full than usual, and the morning was glorious enough that I had a good processing session going on in my heart.
Then this. I turned a corner, and saw a breath taking sight. The sun rays, seeping through the clouds, lighting the land ahead. Every time I see a sunbeam, it takes me back to a time several years ago. I still call them crepuscular rays. I think I always will. It filled my heart with peace and comfort again.
read it, you will understand.
http://dgswanerfam.blogspot.com/2009/04/lessons-just-for-me.html
Confession: I hold back my excitement most of the time because I feel like I am bragging about my weight loss and everything that goes with it.
I of course, tell my beloved hubs everything. He is excited with each and every thing I get excited over. I can not imagine a more supportive partner.
But others? I feel like I am bragging! Hey, I lost almost 3 pounds last night! Can you believe it? I am wearing a size 16! My glasses are so big they are falling off my face! My jaw is so darling! Can you see it???
Sounds pretty braggy huh? Feels like I am only consumed with myself. Makes me sound like I think everyone should be doing as well as me. That is not my intent at all! I am just so elated for me! I know that my choices led me to this state of my health and body, and I also know I have to fight my intense food addiction every moment of every day.
Yesterday, I heated up some spaghetti pie for Juliet. I had made it the night before, and them made my steak and brussel sprouts. No temptations, I was all over that brussel sprout. But after hers was heated up, it smelled so good, and I did it. I shoved my fork in, and took a bite. Its only spaghetti! Everyone eats spaghetti! It does not make the masses obese. Then another, then another. My brain finally gained control, and I flung my fork into the sink. I was so angry and disappointed in myself! I can't eat spaghetti! It will slow or stop my weight loss, and I have been too sick for too long to let myself back track already.
Recently I sat at the computer to order somethings we need for the house. There was a box of Dave's cherry cordials. I don't even like those things. But obese woman me, addicted to sugar me, picked one up and popped it into my mouth. I didn't even think a thing of it. Like its the most natural thing in the world. I don't think that its ever going to change. I am going to have to fight this, for the rest of my life!
When I am excited about my achievements, I want to share! I want you to know that its HARD to lose every pound. It is HARD to not over eat! It is HARD to not eat delicious pasta, and bread, and divine divine sugar! HARD. Its almost more than I can handle sometimes. I want to curl up in a ball and cry. But I can do HARD things. Every day. I want to share! I am going to. If I drive you bonkers, that is not my intent. My intent is to be happy. To be proud. To be healthy. To be brave. To keep trying.
Confession #2: Look at this!
This is me, as sick and as obese this girl could be. I was happy, but not even slightly healthy.
Yesterday. Can you believe that? I was freezing as usual. I will talk about that tomorrow.
A lap! A lap! I have a lap! Its still not great! but I have a lap!!!! I am pumped up!
Can you see me crossing my legs?! I can! I have not done this since I was pregnant with Kira- year 2000! This is a HUGE victory for me! I am so very happy about this! if you can't tell...
