Confession: I cried the other day because I wanted ice cream so badly.
I really did. I cried. It wasn't a grocery store tantrum of a 3 year old when mommy sas - Not this time sweetie, when asked if we could buy ice cream. It wasn't like that at all! I have my very favorite kind of ice cream in my ice cream in the freezer right now. It, and other kinds have been in the freezer for some time. I have no problem with it. My family is very supportive and generally eat what I make for dinner with no complaints, but they did not sign up for this lifestyle, so I buy icecream for the weekends, or make biscuits and gravy from time to time. I love them and they deserve it!
But the other night, I spiralled down, into the depths of my addiction and woke up craving that stupid ice cream. Delicious Farr's Mint Chocolate Chip. I lay in bed and thought of that evil evil minty goodness, and the more I thought of it, the more it became an obsession. After 2 HOURS of this, I still had not gone to the kitchen, because I CAN DO HARD THINGS! I even yelled at myself! Gabrielle STOP! but the problem is, you see, is I waited too long to tell myself to stop. I was already in such a state. Then, cue the tears. I cried. I dont know if it was because I was not eating the ice cream, or if was because I was in a head space that was so hard, but cry I did. What made all this craziness end? Prayer. A plea for heavenly help.
The ice cream is still in the freezer, not being eaten by me. And it is ok. I do not want it anymore. This is just a battle I will have to fight. I will need help, clearly. But I can do this.
I also have finally started walking again! 2.5 miles a day. It is much harder than it was before... being in bed, practically dying for 4 months can do that for you...but I am loving it!
And I wore my husbands workout shirt to walk in, and it was not even tight!
Confession: I found one way I lose control. I am sure I will find other ways, but, for now, I can start work on the one.
I am in my addiction when I look, talk, or smell my trigger foods. I made light of the delicious cheese article on my last post, but after looking at that link, I was so intrenched in my addiction, I could only think, crave, and salivate over things I am not supposed to eat for over an hour. I could think of nothing else! It took everything in my power to get through that hour, without "falling off the wagon." I had to get out of the house. Away from food, and honestly, I had no where to go. I had no access to a car, and my only alternative was to leave on foot. It was 19 degrees outside, and I have a barely coat, since I have given last years coat to a thrift store since it was so large. I started walking, and to my great relief, a dear friend from across the country, called to help me talk through my demons.
While I was able to get through this bout of craving for the drug I am desperately trying to avoid, I was feeling hopeless and powerless, and fearful of the future. For the next temptation. At least if my addiction was to heroin, it would not fill my cupboards and be spattered all over the internet. But my addiction is food. and it is EVERYWHERE!
Then, last night, an answer to my prayers. I went to group. A support group for people who have had weight loss surgery. This group are all in the same stage I am. Still losing and not to goal weight. It was so wonderful to relate to people. To have such understanding. I shared my experience of the cheese story online. How I sat and fed my eyeballs with the gooey cheesiness and how is weirded out my brain for am hour afterwards. Then I was taught a tool. A line of defense. TO avoid this trap. The trap I walked right into, where I literally FED my addiction. I must avoid things that TRIGGER my cravings, that trigger my addiction.
We talked about neuro pathways. How in less that 4 seconds we can turn a pathway on, and get wrapped up in those self destructive feelings. WE also talked about ways to try to stop.
Gabrielle! Stop! You deserve more!
That is my new mantra. My new goal. What I will try so hard to do, when faced with my monsters. My demons. Gabrielle! Stop! You deserve more!
The hater, is NOT going to be me.
Because, I do.
