Confession: I found one way I lose control. I am sure I will find other ways, but, for now, I can start work on the one.
I am in my addiction when I look, talk, or smell my trigger foods. I made light of the delicious cheese article on my last post, but after looking at that link, I was so intrenched in my addiction, I could only think, crave, and salivate over things I am not supposed to eat for over an hour. I could think of nothing else! It took everything in my power to get through that hour, without "falling off the wagon." I had to get out of the house. Away from food, and honestly, I had no where to go. I had no access to a car, and my only alternative was to leave on foot. It was 19 degrees outside, and I have a barely coat, since I have given last years coat to a thrift store since it was so large. I started walking, and to my great relief, a dear friend from across the country, called to help me talk through my demons.
While I was able to get through this bout of craving for the drug I am desperately trying to avoid, I was feeling hopeless and powerless, and fearful of the future. For the next temptation. At least if my addiction was to heroin, it would not fill my cupboards and be spattered all over the internet. But my addiction is food. and it is EVERYWHERE!
Then, last night, an answer to my prayers. I went to group. A support group for people who have had weight loss surgery. This group are all in the same stage I am. Still losing and not to goal weight. It was so wonderful to relate to people. To have such understanding. I shared my experience of the cheese story online. How I sat and fed my eyeballs with the gooey cheesiness and how is weirded out my brain for am hour afterwards. Then I was taught a tool. A line of defense. TO avoid this trap. The trap I walked right into, where I literally FED my addiction. I must avoid things that TRIGGER my cravings, that trigger my addiction.
We talked about neuro pathways. How in less that 4 seconds we can turn a pathway on, and get wrapped up in those self destructive feelings. WE also talked about ways to try to stop.
Gabrielle! Stop! You deserve more!
That is my new mantra. My new goal. What I will try so hard to do, when faced with my monsters. My demons. Gabrielle! Stop! You deserve more!
The hater, is NOT going to be me.
Because, I do.
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