Crepuscular rays

During my morning walk I was contemplating any things.  How hard the fight is, how grateful I am for all my blessings, how I am going to pull off a wedding in just over 3 weeks, how I am going to get the rest of the money for said wedding, Jordan's graduation, and a wedding of a sweet friend tomorrow in the Salt Lake LDS temple.  My heart was a bit more full than usual, and the morning was glorious enough that I had a good processing session going on in my heart.  

Then this. I turned a corner, and saw a breath taking sight.  The sun rays, seeping through the clouds, lighting the land ahead.  Every time I see a sunbeam, it takes me back to a time several years ago.  I still call them crepuscular rays.  I think I always will.  It filled my heart with peace and comfort again.

read it, you will understand.

http://dgswanerfam.blogspot.com/2009/04/lessons-just-for-me.html

Ghosts of Ice Cream Past

Confession: I cried the other day because I wanted ice cream so badly.

I really did.  I cried.  It wasn't a grocery store tantrum of a 3 year old when mommy sas - Not this time sweetie, when asked if we could buy ice cream.  It wasn't like that at all! I have my very favorite kind of ice cream in my ice cream in the freezer right now. It, and other kinds have been in the freezer for some time.  I have no problem with it.  My family is very supportive and generally eat what I make for dinner with no complaints, but they did not sign up for this lifestyle, so I buy icecream for the weekends, or make biscuits and gravy from time to time.   I love them and they deserve it! 

But the other night, I spiralled down, into the depths of my addiction and woke up craving that stupid ice cream. Delicious Farr's Mint Chocolate Chip.  I lay in bed and thought of that evil evil minty goodness, and the more I thought of it, the more it became an obsession.  After 2 HOURS of this, I still had not gone to the kitchen, because I CAN DO HARD THINGS! I even yelled at myself! Gabrielle STOP! but the problem is, you see, is I waited too long to tell myself to stop. I was already in such a state.  Then, cue the tears.  I cried.  I dont know if it was because I was not eating the ice cream, or if was because I was in a head space that was so hard, but cry I did. What made all this craziness end?  Prayer. A plea for heavenly help.

The ice cream is still in the freezer, not being eaten by me.  And it is ok.  I do not want it anymore.  This is just a battle I  will have to fight. I will need help, clearly.  But I can do this.

I also have finally started walking again! 2.5 miles a day.  It is much harder than it was before... being in bed, practically dying for 4 months can do that for you...but I am loving it!

And I wore my husbands workout shirt to walk in, and it was not even tight!

Hair. Frost. Shoes.

Confession: I am surprised almost daily with new problems due to rapid weight loss.


Rapid weight loss is super fun. Well, actually, its not really fun at all.  Its a head game, like I have mentioned before, you have so many self esteem issues, SO MANY, and to help in that department, you also have hair loss! You would not believe the way I shed!  Its nothing, and I mean ABSOLUTELY nothing like the hair loss you experience after you have a baby!  In fact, if I was not blessed with a huge amount of hair, you would be able to see my scalp through my hair at this point.  Many people that I have found in on-line support groups have basically chopped off their hair, because its so terribly thin.  again, I am blessed to have my mother's hair, and lots of it, so now my ponytail is about a nickle around instead of lemon sized.  

I am not really complaining.  I am just stating this as a fact.  I do hate all the shedding.  I have hair everywhere, and new baby hair sticking up all over the place.  The thing I do complain about, and I mean A LOT, is how cold and freezing I am ALL OF THE TIME!  I swear I violently shake half my day long!  I was never a cold girl before!  I could survive all winter, without a coat, in the tundra of Northern Utah, kept warm by own brand of insulation.  But now, every pound that comes off of me, leaves me colder than the pound before!  I get in bed at night, under 4-5 blankets.  No LIE! My poor husband...I spent years training him to enjoy sleeping in a nice cool room.  Now his wife wants the heat on.  All the time, and as high as anyone can stand it.  When we drive, he is always turning the heat down until I am shivering again, and then takes one for the team while I warm back up and he swelters!

Another strange thing about Rapid weight loss are my shoes.   My feet did not grow as I became fat.  They became wider.  So in order to accommodate the foot, I would either buy wide width shoes, or the next size up.  (you know this to be true...right?)  Yesterday as I was getting ready for church, I put on 3 different pairs of shoes.  and as I tried to walk in them, walked right out of them.  So yes. I need to also buy new shoes.  That is not at all inconvenient.  

But these obnoxious things do not bother me too much.  Because each day I am reminded why I did this.  I feel so much better.  I can do so many more things.  My 4  year old loves to play with me.  When I pray for guidance, the Lord hears and answers my prayers.  He also touches my heart, with a warm feeling of acknowledgment, when I thank my Father in Heaven for the love and support and the courage to fight my food battles each day.  My life is sweet, and I am grateful that I am still living it. 

my unexpected struggle

Confession: I am surprised by the support from friends and family during this trial and journey, and also the lack of support from the people you are closest to.

This rapid weight loss thing is a head game. Many warned me of this.  I felt ready, and mostly I was, but the things that are hard are surprising me so much! In fact, much tears have been shed.  My immediate family is beyond supportive and excited.  My kids can already see my life changing.  I don't need my feet rubbed every night, I do not need assistance tying my tennis shoes, climbing on a chair to get something out of the cupboard, climbing over the back seat to reach something, the list can go on and on and on.   My acquaintances are some of my biggest cheer leaders!  This surprises me because they really didn't know my day to day trials.  They really didn't see how ill, how hard, and how MUCH my weight effected me.  Yet there they are, cheering me on. Hoping and watching for my success.  Noticing my hard work.  This truly melts my heart! but some of the people who I am closest to, not all of them mind you, do not seem happy with my progress. Maybe that is too harsh...they act as though I am cheating my way through it. Like its easy because I am just "starving to death" or have an "anatomy that will not absorb fat anyway" or I will just "lose weight with out even trying." This shocked me, hurt me, and has caused a bucket of tears.

I said it.  I have cried. Cried my eyes out.  I feel so lonely and afraid sometimes.  I work so hard to make sure I get enough calories every day. To make sure I have the nutrition I need to not end up in the hospital- AGAIN.  I can't just eat the beloved brownie, the brownie of my dreams, the brownie i eye lustfully, and covetously, because if I eat that, at the end of the day, my muscle mass will have depleted some, my potassium will get too low, and I probably would have just craved more and more sugar until I didn't have enough hydration for that day.  Where will that get me? Oh! I know! A trip to the ER!  I have had 5 of those! I know the drill!  I work this- every day! I need my people! and to not have them, here, cheering for me, breaks my little heart. broken. sad. 

I struggle each day with my appearance.  I look in the mirror an barely recognize myself.  It weirds me out! should it?  I have no idea! Its just what it is.  The last thing I need is to feed abandoned or betrayed by the people I love.  Do they even realize that I feel this? Did they mean to make me feel this way? Is this a jealousy thing? sure! I am always jealous of the thin and the perfect! But I am working so hard for each day. Each day I make 30 food choices!  I just have a great big fat hammer in my tool box now! (its nice to have around, that fat hammer!) But I am building a me right now, and I have to take every step myself! I am just shocked, sad, and hurt.

I guess I shouldn't be such a cry baby.  I always say that I need to consider some one's INTENT before feeling bad.  I know people do not generally intend of hurting people's feelining, but hey, I swear my feelings are way way way to close to the surface these days.  Maybe I should shove them back down. A little. 

Thankfully I know that prayers are answered.  Everyday.  I know that I was lead to this life changing decisions through many hours of prayer and personal revelation.  I know that my Savior had borne all my tribulations, and is still there for me, cheering me on.  Without Him, I would for sure be lost. In all ways.

Light. (part one of Light and Dark)

I am One week post op, sort of. I did go back in to surgery a few days after my initial surgery.  I had a complication, but that is not at all what I want to talk  about at all.  I want to talk of the events a week ago.  I had such a profound and moving experience, it feels almost too special to share, yet too special not to share.  I stared as I wrote the last time about being excited and ready for surgery.

I was ready, and calm, and unafraid. All that day.  My surgery was pushed back a few hours due to an emergency.  Still, it did not phase me.  My husband and I talked and laughed, and watched bad tv. When they took me away, and wheeled me into the hall across from my operating room, with a view of the beautiful mountains, Staring right at the U on the Mountain wall, I was still so calm.  I was there, with the exception of each of the surgical staff introducing themselves as they arrived for duty, for 45 minutes or so.  I marveled at how peaceful I felt again, and felt such love and support.  I took a moment to pray.

I thanked My Father in Heaven for the hand in getting me to that spot. His Divine love, His Son, my Savior, and His willingness to bear all pains and burdens for me, and especially for the peace and calm I was feeling.  I thanked Him for sending His angels to hold my hands and keep me calm.  At those words I was filled with an new and even more strong blanket of warmth, love, and peace.  I could FEEL and SENSE these angels about me.  I knew there were multiple people, and they were just not people, but they were MY people.  My angels. My family.  I was too overwhelmed with emotion to tell if it was Aunts, or Grandparents, or Great Grandparents, I just felt them, loving me, protecting me, and assuring me that they would keep me safe, and it was not my time to return home with them.   My heart raced with love and appreciation for them all.  I was so incredible, I wish I could explain it with more feeling, so that you could understand.  My eyes filled with tears and I silently thanked them for being with me. 

As I was taken into the OR, they came with me.  The nurse noticed my smile and asked if I has already been given medication. I told her that I indeed had not, and that I was being held together from heaven.  She looked around the room and said, I believe you are.  Then, I was waking up in recovery. 

I had a complication during surgery.  (It came from some scar tissue from my 1997 Gallbladder removal) My surgery had gone 2 hours longer than expected, but they would watch me close, and make sure that all was well before I went home.  I was told even then, I would not be leaving the next day, but probably the next, (well no, 5 days later, and a second surgery) but, things went well.  They did.  I was not afraid, I know that The Lord was with me, supported me in this decision, and all would be well.  I will be forever grateful for this beautiful experience in my life.  I know Heaven hears, and answers our prayers, and that me, just one of God's children, out of millions and billions, can be heard, loved, and taken care of.
I am recovering.  I am , I will tell you more tomorrow.