Crepuscular rays

During my morning walk I was contemplating any things.  How hard the fight is, how grateful I am for all my blessings, how I am going to pull off a wedding in just over 3 weeks, how I am going to get the rest of the money for said wedding, Jordan's graduation, and a wedding of a sweet friend tomorrow in the Salt Lake LDS temple.  My heart was a bit more full than usual, and the morning was glorious enough that I had a good processing session going on in my heart.  

Then this. I turned a corner, and saw a breath taking sight.  The sun rays, seeping through the clouds, lighting the land ahead.  Every time I see a sunbeam, it takes me back to a time several years ago.  I still call them crepuscular rays.  I think I always will.  It filled my heart with peace and comfort again.

read it, you will understand.

http://dgswanerfam.blogspot.com/2009/04/lessons-just-for-me.html

Ready to talk

Finally.  I am ready to talk.  I thought that I would be talking and taking you on this journey with me.  I am open and I wanted this to be able to help another who is considering this kind of lifestyle change.  What I did not foresee was the depths of despair and frustration my journey has taken me to.  Never in my life have I felt so low, so lonely, and my ability to pull myself out, was not there.  I felt lower than flat.  I was below the surface, like a drowning, I could see those above the water, reaching out to me to grab their hands, but I couldn't raise my arm to meet them, everything getting more and more blurry as I sank to the bottom.  I tried to drown once, when we lived in Louisiana. I remember it vividly.  This felt very very similar to that.  The thing that is exactly the same, is the prayer and faith I had that I would not actually drown.  I didn't.  I am here.

I had every complication known to man, I swear.  Starting with 48 hours after my weight loss surgery, having to go back in for a revision.  Then in September, ending up in the ER and another 2 night stay at the hospital because I was so sick.  Another ER trip for fluids out here in Tooele, leading to a scope being put down my throat to remove a stricture.  2 straight weeks of throwing up even a few ice chips, then another 3 months of being unable to drink water because of the TWO gastric leaks I had, a PICC line put in my arm so that I could hydrate myself at home with the assistance of home health, 4 abdominal CTs, all culminating in a exploratory surgery to find out what in the world was keeping me so sick! I could barely carry myself up the stairs.  I did not cook one meal or clean my home for that entire 4 months.  I maybe made a PB&J for Juliet a few times, but mostly we just had snacks near my bed.  I was barely a mother to that sweet angel.  She mothered me.  Loved me, cared for me.  Never have I felt such sweetness from an angel from heaven.  Waking from that surgery and hearing that I was fixed, and it was over, was the brightest moment I had felt in all those dark months.  I was the 1%.  Now. I wasn't!

With and through all of this, it was not my faith that wavered.  I knew God heard my prayers.  I knew that Christ had borne all my trials and tribulations for me.  I even knew that they loved me so much, and didn't love watching me suffer.  my darkness was wondering if I could do it. Not why me? Not when will this be over? But can I do this, because it would be so much easier to give up, and be done. Several times I wanted out.  I knew how easy it would be to be done.  Miss a hydration, and I would die.  I never seriously considered it. I don't think. probably. maybe. My husband. My babies.  They kept me here.

I put on a fake smile and said I was fine.  I was not fine.  I was literally dying.  I was so tired.  I hurt. All the time. It was the darkest, most horrible point of my life.

But it was worth it, and I would sign up to do it again tomorrow if I had to.  Knowing how hard it was, and feeling the pain and misery, I would DO IT AGAIN.  My weight loss surgery is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.  It has changed my life in such a profound way.  I am a bigger, better, brighter, happier, stronger, and healthier me now!

I am down 115 pounds as of this morning.  No other way would I have been able to do that!  I am off of all my medications!  My blood pressure is as it was in high school!  I weight250.2 pounds!  tomorrow it will be 1.5 pounds less, since that is my pattern!  I can finally drink 64+ ounces of water each day, and I was finally starting to do my regular things!  I did say was. Because on December 22, I was able to have my hysterectomy!  I did not think I was ever going to be well enough to have it!  I was getting so scared, because my uterus was growing polyps again, and the bleeding, well, honestly, the hemorrhaging was back.  so yes, I am set back a bit, but its a different setback, in 5 more weeks, I will be able to be myself again, and I am so very excited.  I am ready to be me.

I am planning on sharing lots more from now on, I just couldn't before.  I had nothing to give.  but I do now. Lots!

Supports

Confession:

I am not as confident as I appear to be.

I have been mulling over things in my heart, mind, and prayers for a long time concerning the new turn in weight loss.  I knew I could not do any of this without my two key people.  My David, and my Savior.  My husband has been nothing but supportive, kind, loving, and excited for and with me.  He truly brings his strength when I have none, his heart when mine breaks, and his laughter to stop my tears.  No one could have been a better husband to me.  He really is my partner in crime.  I would never be the person I am without him dancing behind me with his Pom Poms!  

In those dark times, when I am pushing my body harder than I am sure it can bear, and when I get a win; great or small, That is when I feel my Savior supporting me.  How Christ truly bears our burdens is made evident to me during these times!  When I  am cheering and giving gratitude to My Father in Heaven, I feel My Savior's love.  When I am on my evening walks, and the sun is setting in a blaze of color, I feel Him beside me helping me walk.  I want to be a better person for Him.

With all of this love, I still have doubts and confusion and fear.  I know many in my family and dear friends love me.  I know they will stand with me through this, but I swear that fear seeps in, telling me that I am not good enough, I am going to lose people because they do not respect the choice I have made, or do not care enough to understand it.  I know its irrational, but is it? Is it really?  My obesity has caused huge rifts in relationships.  Most of the rift is my fault, because I am ashamed of how I look.  I am self conscience of the thoughts friends and family are having about how I let myself look this way.  It is really a horrible way to tear myself down.  Yet I do it.  

As an example, two people whom I love dearly, I saw in person for the first time.  I was so excited to see them, and talk, in person, but I was filled with such fear of rejection, because of the way I look, I almost didn't go.  It is silly to think my outside would hide my inside, but it was so terrifying, I couldn't stop the scenarios in my head.  Only through prayer was I able to have the faith to get on that airplane.  (Thank goodness I did!)

Today I shared this Blog with a few people.  Hoping to build my support team.  Terrified of rejection and judgement. It was very hard.  But I am ready.  I am ready to share, hopefully help someone.  My prayer today was for courage.  

Maybe tomorrow I will have the courage to post before pictures.