Supports

Confession:

I am not as confident as I appear to be.

I have been mulling over things in my heart, mind, and prayers for a long time concerning the new turn in weight loss.  I knew I could not do any of this without my two key people.  My David, and my Savior.  My husband has been nothing but supportive, kind, loving, and excited for and with me.  He truly brings his strength when I have none, his heart when mine breaks, and his laughter to stop my tears.  No one could have been a better husband to me.  He really is my partner in crime.  I would never be the person I am without him dancing behind me with his Pom Poms!  

In those dark times, when I am pushing my body harder than I am sure it can bear, and when I get a win; great or small, That is when I feel my Savior supporting me.  How Christ truly bears our burdens is made evident to me during these times!  When I  am cheering and giving gratitude to My Father in Heaven, I feel My Savior's love.  When I am on my evening walks, and the sun is setting in a blaze of color, I feel Him beside me helping me walk.  I want to be a better person for Him.

With all of this love, I still have doubts and confusion and fear.  I know many in my family and dear friends love me.  I know they will stand with me through this, but I swear that fear seeps in, telling me that I am not good enough, I am going to lose people because they do not respect the choice I have made, or do not care enough to understand it.  I know its irrational, but is it? Is it really?  My obesity has caused huge rifts in relationships.  Most of the rift is my fault, because I am ashamed of how I look.  I am self conscience of the thoughts friends and family are having about how I let myself look this way.  It is really a horrible way to tear myself down.  Yet I do it.  

As an example, two people whom I love dearly, I saw in person for the first time.  I was so excited to see them, and talk, in person, but I was filled with such fear of rejection, because of the way I look, I almost didn't go.  It is silly to think my outside would hide my inside, but it was so terrifying, I couldn't stop the scenarios in my head.  Only through prayer was I able to have the faith to get on that airplane.  (Thank goodness I did!)

Today I shared this Blog with a few people.  Hoping to build my support team.  Terrified of rejection and judgement. It was very hard.  But I am ready.  I am ready to share, hopefully help someone.  My prayer today was for courage.  

Maybe tomorrow I will have the courage to post before pictures.