my unexpected struggle

Confession: I am surprised by the support from friends and family during this trial and journey, and also the lack of support from the people you are closest to.

This rapid weight loss thing is a head game. Many warned me of this.  I felt ready, and mostly I was, but the things that are hard are surprising me so much! In fact, much tears have been shed.  My immediate family is beyond supportive and excited.  My kids can already see my life changing.  I don't need my feet rubbed every night, I do not need assistance tying my tennis shoes, climbing on a chair to get something out of the cupboard, climbing over the back seat to reach something, the list can go on and on and on.   My acquaintances are some of my biggest cheer leaders!  This surprises me because they really didn't know my day to day trials.  They really didn't see how ill, how hard, and how MUCH my weight effected me.  Yet there they are, cheering me on. Hoping and watching for my success.  Noticing my hard work.  This truly melts my heart! but some of the people who I am closest to, not all of them mind you, do not seem happy with my progress. Maybe that is too harsh...they act as though I am cheating my way through it. Like its easy because I am just "starving to death" or have an "anatomy that will not absorb fat anyway" or I will just "lose weight with out even trying." This shocked me, hurt me, and has caused a bucket of tears.

I said it.  I have cried. Cried my eyes out.  I feel so lonely and afraid sometimes.  I work so hard to make sure I get enough calories every day. To make sure I have the nutrition I need to not end up in the hospital- AGAIN.  I can't just eat the beloved brownie, the brownie of my dreams, the brownie i eye lustfully, and covetously, because if I eat that, at the end of the day, my muscle mass will have depleted some, my potassium will get too low, and I probably would have just craved more and more sugar until I didn't have enough hydration for that day.  Where will that get me? Oh! I know! A trip to the ER!  I have had 5 of those! I know the drill!  I work this- every day! I need my people! and to not have them, here, cheering for me, breaks my little heart. broken. sad. 

I struggle each day with my appearance.  I look in the mirror an barely recognize myself.  It weirds me out! should it?  I have no idea! Its just what it is.  The last thing I need is to feed abandoned or betrayed by the people I love.  Do they even realize that I feel this? Did they mean to make me feel this way? Is this a jealousy thing? sure! I am always jealous of the thin and the perfect! But I am working so hard for each day. Each day I make 30 food choices!  I just have a great big fat hammer in my tool box now! (its nice to have around, that fat hammer!) But I am building a me right now, and I have to take every step myself! I am just shocked, sad, and hurt.

I guess I shouldn't be such a cry baby.  I always say that I need to consider some one's INTENT before feeling bad.  I know people do not generally intend of hurting people's feelining, but hey, I swear my feelings are way way way to close to the surface these days.  Maybe I should shove them back down. A little. 

Thankfully I know that prayers are answered.  Everyday.  I know that I was lead to this life changing decisions through many hours of prayer and personal revelation.  I know that my Savior had borne all my tribulations, and is still there for me, cheering me on.  Without Him, I would for sure be lost. In all ways.

Supports

Confession:

I am not as confident as I appear to be.

I have been mulling over things in my heart, mind, and prayers for a long time concerning the new turn in weight loss.  I knew I could not do any of this without my two key people.  My David, and my Savior.  My husband has been nothing but supportive, kind, loving, and excited for and with me.  He truly brings his strength when I have none, his heart when mine breaks, and his laughter to stop my tears.  No one could have been a better husband to me.  He really is my partner in crime.  I would never be the person I am without him dancing behind me with his Pom Poms!  

In those dark times, when I am pushing my body harder than I am sure it can bear, and when I get a win; great or small, That is when I feel my Savior supporting me.  How Christ truly bears our burdens is made evident to me during these times!  When I  am cheering and giving gratitude to My Father in Heaven, I feel My Savior's love.  When I am on my evening walks, and the sun is setting in a blaze of color, I feel Him beside me helping me walk.  I want to be a better person for Him.

With all of this love, I still have doubts and confusion and fear.  I know many in my family and dear friends love me.  I know they will stand with me through this, but I swear that fear seeps in, telling me that I am not good enough, I am going to lose people because they do not respect the choice I have made, or do not care enough to understand it.  I know its irrational, but is it? Is it really?  My obesity has caused huge rifts in relationships.  Most of the rift is my fault, because I am ashamed of how I look.  I am self conscience of the thoughts friends and family are having about how I let myself look this way.  It is really a horrible way to tear myself down.  Yet I do it.  

As an example, two people whom I love dearly, I saw in person for the first time.  I was so excited to see them, and talk, in person, but I was filled with such fear of rejection, because of the way I look, I almost didn't go.  It is silly to think my outside would hide my inside, but it was so terrifying, I couldn't stop the scenarios in my head.  Only through prayer was I able to have the faith to get on that airplane.  (Thank goodness I did!)

Today I shared this Blog with a few people.  Hoping to build my support team.  Terrified of rejection and judgement. It was very hard.  But I am ready.  I am ready to share, hopefully help someone.  My prayer today was for courage.  

Maybe tomorrow I will have the courage to post before pictures.