Finally. I am ready to talk. I thought that I would be talking and taking you on this journey with me. I am open and I wanted this to be able to help another who is considering this kind of lifestyle change. What I did not foresee was the depths of despair and frustration my journey has taken me to. Never in my life have I felt so low, so lonely, and my ability to pull myself out, was not there. I felt lower than flat. I was below the surface, like a drowning, I could see those above the water, reaching out to me to grab their hands, but I couldn't raise my arm to meet them, everything getting more and more blurry as I sank to the bottom. I tried to drown once, when we lived in Louisiana. I remember it vividly. This felt very very similar to that. The thing that is exactly the same, is the prayer and faith I had that I would not actually drown. I didn't. I am here.
I had every complication known to man, I swear. Starting with 48 hours after my weight loss surgery, having to go back in for a revision. Then in September, ending up in the ER and another 2 night stay at the hospital because I was so sick. Another ER trip for fluids out here in Tooele, leading to a scope being put down my throat to remove a stricture. 2 straight weeks of throwing up even a few ice chips, then another 3 months of being unable to drink water because of the TWO gastric leaks I had, a PICC line put in my arm so that I could hydrate myself at home with the assistance of home health, 4 abdominal CTs, all culminating in a exploratory surgery to find out what in the world was keeping me so sick! I could barely carry myself up the stairs. I did not cook one meal or clean my home for that entire 4 months. I maybe made a PB&J for Juliet a few times, but mostly we just had snacks near my bed. I was barely a mother to that sweet angel. She mothered me. Loved me, cared for me. Never have I felt such sweetness from an angel from heaven. Waking from that surgery and hearing that I was fixed, and it was over, was the brightest moment I had felt in all those dark months. I was the 1%. Now. I wasn't!
With and through all of this, it was not my faith that wavered. I knew God heard my prayers. I knew that Christ had borne all my trials and tribulations for me. I even knew that they loved me so much, and didn't love watching me suffer. my darkness was wondering if I could do it. Not why me? Not when will this be over? But can I do this, because it would be so much easier to give up, and be done. Several times I wanted out. I knew how easy it would be to be done. Miss a hydration, and I would die. I never seriously considered it. I don't think. probably. maybe. My husband. My babies. They kept me here.
I put on a fake smile and said I was fine. I was not fine. I was literally dying. I was so tired. I hurt. All the time. It was the darkest, most horrible point of my life.
But it was worth it, and I would sign up to do it again tomorrow if I had to. Knowing how hard it was, and feeling the pain and misery, I would DO IT AGAIN. My weight loss surgery is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. It has changed my life in such a profound way. I am a bigger, better, brighter, happier, stronger, and healthier me now!
I am down 115 pounds as of this morning. No other way would I have been able to do that! I am off of all my medications! My blood pressure is as it was in high school! I weight250.2 pounds! tomorrow it will be 1.5 pounds less, since that is my pattern! I can finally drink 64+ ounces of water each day, and I was finally starting to do my regular things! I did say was. Because on December 22, I was able to have my hysterectomy! I did not think I was ever going to be well enough to have it! I was getting so scared, because my uterus was growing polyps again, and the bleeding, well, honestly, the hemorrhaging was back. so yes, I am set back a bit, but its a different setback, in 5 more weeks, I will be able to be myself again, and I am so very excited. I am ready to be me.
I am planning on sharing lots more from now on, I just couldn't before. I had nothing to give. but I do now. Lots!
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