Light. (part one of Light and Dark)

I am One week post op, sort of. I did go back in to surgery a few days after my initial surgery.  I had a complication, but that is not at all what I want to talk  about at all.  I want to talk of the events a week ago.  I had such a profound and moving experience, it feels almost too special to share, yet too special not to share.  I stared as I wrote the last time about being excited and ready for surgery.

I was ready, and calm, and unafraid. All that day.  My surgery was pushed back a few hours due to an emergency.  Still, it did not phase me.  My husband and I talked and laughed, and watched bad tv. When they took me away, and wheeled me into the hall across from my operating room, with a view of the beautiful mountains, Staring right at the U on the Mountain wall, I was still so calm.  I was there, with the exception of each of the surgical staff introducing themselves as they arrived for duty, for 45 minutes or so.  I marveled at how peaceful I felt again, and felt such love and support.  I took a moment to pray.

I thanked My Father in Heaven for the hand in getting me to that spot. His Divine love, His Son, my Savior, and His willingness to bear all pains and burdens for me, and especially for the peace and calm I was feeling.  I thanked Him for sending His angels to hold my hands and keep me calm.  At those words I was filled with an new and even more strong blanket of warmth, love, and peace.  I could FEEL and SENSE these angels about me.  I knew there were multiple people, and they were just not people, but they were MY people.  My angels. My family.  I was too overwhelmed with emotion to tell if it was Aunts, or Grandparents, or Great Grandparents, I just felt them, loving me, protecting me, and assuring me that they would keep me safe, and it was not my time to return home with them.   My heart raced with love and appreciation for them all.  I was so incredible, I wish I could explain it with more feeling, so that you could understand.  My eyes filled with tears and I silently thanked them for being with me. 

As I was taken into the OR, they came with me.  The nurse noticed my smile and asked if I has already been given medication. I told her that I indeed had not, and that I was being held together from heaven.  She looked around the room and said, I believe you are.  Then, I was waking up in recovery. 

I had a complication during surgery.  (It came from some scar tissue from my 1997 Gallbladder removal) My surgery had gone 2 hours longer than expected, but they would watch me close, and make sure that all was well before I went home.  I was told even then, I would not be leaving the next day, but probably the next, (well no, 5 days later, and a second surgery) but, things went well.  They did.  I was not afraid, I know that The Lord was with me, supported me in this decision, and all would be well.  I will be forever grateful for this beautiful experience in my life.  I know Heaven hears, and answers our prayers, and that me, just one of God's children, out of millions and billions, can be heard, loved, and taken care of.
I am recovering.  I am , I will tell you more tomorrow.

Today.

This is the day.  Today.  I have worked so hard to get here, and its almost slipped through my fingers.  I had it in the bag, until the bottom of the bag ripped out.  I am not going to have Bariatric coverage on September 16th after all.  Such a crushing blow!  I experienced my very first ever panic attack!  Being a Momma of a Bi-Polar Child with severe social anxiety, I have seen them, a plenty.  Hey! Let me tell you! Seeing the, and feeling them, are two TOTALLY different things!  I could not stop sobbing hysterically, an elephant was standing on my chest, my heart was racing, and I could not BREATHE. At all. I will not be forgetting that, any time soon. Nope.

I was told it would be impossible to have my surgery before the end of August.  No way, No how. I could agree.  No way for me to accomplish that.  But for God, all things are possible, and His hand, has been in all of it.  He made this happen for me.  Monday Morning, I was told, No way.  Tuesday I finalized all my consent forms and here it is, Morning of my Surgery. Its happening TODAY.  I am buying years back of my life. TODAY. I am not going to be dead before I hit 50! TODAY my life will start over.  I will be able to play ball with my 4 year old at the park.  I will be able to hold on to her bike, running after her, to teach her to ride.  I will be able to fly in an airplane to pick up my son from his Mission without (!!!) a extender! I will have my daughter teach me how to ride her long board. I will be able to jump up and down with joy when my oldest comes out of the Temple on her wedding day.  My husband and I WILL be taking our dance lessons, that he has always wanted to take me to. I will! Me! Starting TODAY!

My heart is so full of gratitude and joy.  I am can not begin to express my love for my supportive husband.  His love and spirit have made it possible for me not to lose myself.  To find joy in my life. To be the same spunky funny and crazy girl I always have been.  Without him, I would truly be lost. My family, for their support, my sisters have been my loudest cheerleaders.  My momma. My Mother in law.  Her words this week have touched me deeply.  My dear friends. They may not feel this is the best choice for me, but they are supporting me anyway.  My Savior. He has suffered all my pains, woes, and fears.  But he also knows my joys and loves.  I have a fantastic life.

I am not even afraid.  I will be honest.  I was TERRIFIED of the bowel cleanse.  I was NOT sure how awful that would be.  But ya know? It was no big deal!  My 1000 calorie diet, and my 24 hour fast on Sunday, have made that a cake walk!  I was more afraid of that, then the actual surgery!  I am not at all afraid because I can feel the Lord's hand in this.  He is with me now.  

Today is the day.  I can't believe it. I can not wait. 

 May 2015

 February 2014

October 2014

Hoops Jumped!

In order for my insurance company to pay for my weightloss surgery, I have had to do a bunch of jumping through hoops.  Some of them have been fairly easy, and some were rather hard.  It was such a daunting process.  I didn't think we would make it through!

• 6 months of doctor supervised dieting. Done!
• Psychological evaluation. I am glad that I am not crazy!
• BMI over 35 with 2 or more Co-morbidities or over 40 with none. (so yeah- I was good at this one!  I am FAR over a BMI of 40 AND I have a slew of healthproblems! )
• Lose 10% of my body weight, on my own. This was a hard one, but its DONE!
• Classes on my new "lifestyle."  Did those!
• Surgical Consult. DONE and DONE! 

Then you wait.  For the insurance company to go over every report and see if all the Ts were crossed and all the Is were dotted.  The coordinator who works with my surgeon group says that they LOVE to deny.  But mine was approved in 6 days!   I am so elated!

Confession: But as is my life, its still scary.  We have just learned that money that we were banking on paying our portion (20% ) and which must be paid at the time of service for this kind of surgery, could very well be unavailable now!  My husbands company is in the process of being sold, and we may not be able to withdraw the funds from our 401K as we had planned.  Because there will not be enough time to repay ourselves before the company sells.  This would be a huge blow, and honestly, devastating.  At this point we are buying years of my life back, and avoiding cancer.  I don't know if I could handle not being able to get a hold of the money we need.  We can find a way.

Each day I dream of my new future!  Stairs without pain. All of my medications gone.  being able to go camping with my kids! Wearing non hideous floral plus size clothing.  having my uterus live in the landfill.  Lacing my own shoes without pain.  Dancing with my husband in the kitchen.  All of these dreams are so close and tangible that I can taste them.  If I cant work this out very soon, they may all dwindle away.  I. Will. Be. Heartbroken.

My faith that Heavenly Father knows my needs and fears, and wants me to be happy is holding me up.  This will happen.  I pray mightily for it. 

 But today is celebration! Hoops are jumped, and I am am flying!